August 24, 2004

I'm an Aveda-holic

Hi, my name is Howard, and I'm an Aveda-holic.

Hi Howard. We’re here for you. Please tell us your story.

It started innocently enough. My friend loaned me some and said I had to try it cause it was awesome. I'll admit I was scared, but tried it anyway since I didn't want to look like a pussy. She was right. It was awesome.

I started out as a casual user. You know, a little Shampure here, a little Black Malva there. I wasn't doing it a lot. I was just supplementing my normal shampoo. Another friend suggested I try the Shampure Conditioner. I took the .5 ounce sample bottle, but never used it. I hid it in the back of the linen closet so my wife wouldn't see it. She was already a bit suspicious about the other two bottles I had and I didn't want her to find this one.

About a month went by and I was holding it together. I would use only once or twice a week at most, telling myself that my hair was limp or lifeless and it needed a little pick me up. The wife was out of town one weekend and I don't know how, but the .5 ounce ended up in the shower with me. Next thing I know, I'm standing in the mirror, dripping wet, marveling at the softness and manageability of my hair. I was hooked. I started using daily and I was a wreck.

My hair never looked so healthy, but I was ashamed someone would find out my secret. When I ran out of the 8 oz'ers, I talked to a friend who was able to get me the liters at a discount. I couldn't hide the big bottles anywhere so I emptied the conditioner into a new plastic gas can I picked up at Home Depot. I put the shampoo into two automatic transmission fluid bottles I had lying around. The shampoo was almost the same color so I thought I was safe. My wife never noticed that those 8 oz bottles lasted for 6 months.

Growing up, you hear your parents talking about how using one product will lead to using others and I always thought that was a bunch of crap. Listen to your parents, people, for they speak the truth. I branched out. I started looking for more exciting products. I found them, all right. Shaving cream that makes your face as smooth as a baby's butt. Aftershave that doesn't sting. Rosemary Mint shampoo and conditioner. Styling Gel that makes your hair soft, but has incredible hold. I was getting out of control. When the boys would come over to play poker, I had to hide my stash in my closet. I wouldn't let the apartment exterminate since I didn't want anyone to know what I was using. It was getting out of hand, but I thought I could handle it on my own. I was wrong.

Two days ago, I hit bottom. I crossed the line and almost didn't make it back. The day started out normal enough. Coffee and a bagel for breakfast, greasy fast food for lunch. It was a day like any other. Then it happened. I noticed some pimples on my forehead. I NEVER break out. Ever. I knew what caused it, though. The cheapass Nivea face wash I bought at Wal-Mart. I knew I shouldn't have bought it, but I was already spending too much each month maintaining. I figured, sure, it's cheap, but it'll do. I did ok until someone I asked if I was going through puberty. I know it was meant as a joke, but it hurt.

Next thing I know, I’m in the mall. I casually walked into the store and inquired about their male skin care products. I was shown a few items and did my best to pretend I wasn't interested. Then I made a fatal error. I saw that the shaving cream was on sale and immediately grabbed two tubes. The salesperson pounced when she figured out I was a habitual product user. I was as helpless as a newborn. I don’t remember checking out. I don’t remember the walk back to the truck. When I finally found the courage to open the bad, I lost it. I had purchased a sensitive-skin face wash for all skin types, a new medium hold hair gel, and...sniff...and...please don't make me say it.

It's ok, Howard, go on. We've all been there. Here's a tissue to wipe away your tears.

(sniff) Does it have aloe in it?

Yes. Yes it does. Now, please continue.

I sat there staring at it, wondering how I could have sunk so low. I mean, of all the things to buy, this is the one purchase that convinced me that I had a problem. It was the one thing I swore I'd never do and there it was, right in front of me.



I'm sure your local Metrosexuals Anonymous has its own Aveda sub-group. Maybe they can help you deal with the fact that you're just plain hooked. But you look fabulous!

I, too, love Aveda. However, I'm too cheap to buy more than just the few items no one else has that I can't live without, and I squeeze every drop out of them to within a millimeter of their useful lives. But I've got great hair! ;)

Posted at August 24, 2004 05:51 PM

Don't worry, after a few months you'll forget to use all these products!

Posted at August 24, 2004 11:56 PM

Oh, Howard! I would've never though you, of all people!

I'm calling your mother right now. This has got to stop.

Posted at August 25, 2004 08:20 AM

You crack me up. Its all downhill from here....

Next thing we know you'll be going to the spa for facials, manicures and pedicures.

Pink would look fabulous on you though. Hmmmm.

Posted at August 25, 2004 10:43 AM

What would we do without Kiehls? Thanks to wifey, that face cream is lack crack in my veins!

Posted at August 25, 2004 12:33 PM

We don't get that brand where I live. Would this be a reason to move to another country?

Posted at August 27, 2004 04:27 AM