April 29, 2005

On the road again

I got home yesterday about 4:30, did laundry, packed, and paid bills. I'll be on my way to Florida tomorrow morning at 10:30. wahoo.

Not much to report. Little Rock was fun. I got to see Clinton's Presidential Library and Brothel...which looks like a giant single-wide trailer on stilts. No, it really does. Many of the folks I talked to in AR asked me if I had seen it...they all refer to it as "The Trailer". Well, at least the Republicans do.

The trip went well, except for the six-hour marathon support call with Microsoft. The problem ended up being software that the user installed so they could use a wireless network at home. Instead of eating another large hunk of cow for dinner, we had to settle for Waffle House.

Anyway, I'll try and give y'all updates on the goings on in Florida. It'll be interesting to say the least. Notice I didn't say 'fun'.

Posted at 03:00 PM | Comments (1)

April 25, 2005

Check it out

Check out the new banner up top...Courtesy of my friend, GP. A Photoshop whiz if there ever was one. If you don't see the tag line fade in, it's your browser. It probably sucks.

Posted at 06:08 PM | Comments (4)

A few things

A few things…

1. I have no problem with the cops handcuffing a little girl who just went crazy. Think of it this way…If the cops hadn’t done it and the little girl went crazy in the back of the squad car and injured herself, would that have been better? This was a no-win situation for the cops.

2. If Martha’s parole officers didn’t know what was going on then they’re idiots. The party celebrated Time’s 100 Most Influential People issue. Care to tell me how that is ‘work related’?

3. I saw a car the other day that said A-1 Christian Bonding. Their slogan is “Remember, the truth will set you free”. Personally, it ain’t the truth that will set you free, it’s the bond on your house that’ll do it. And if you jump, Vengeance is mine, sayeth The Dog.

4. Can someone please explain to me why a doctor will write orders in a chart that can be read by no living human? The ex’s mom broke her arm on Thursday (she’s fine) and the Orthopod who saw her Friday morning wrote orders that no one could decipher. Not only that, they couldn’t figure out his name. How freakin’ hard is it to write legibly? When the dictated orders came back (Sunday), she was supposed to have been putting ice on her arm, which of course, she didn’t know to do. This made me so mad that if I could’ve found the guy, he’d have had to set his own broken arm. If I can get his name, I’m going to post it here so that if anyone google’s him, they’ll know what kind of ridiculous ass clown he is.

5. And finally…I’ll be in Little Rock, AR tomorrow through Thursday, then I’m home Friday, then heading to Ft. Lauderdale to visit the maternal parent. I’ll post when I can.

6. Oh…almost forgot. I think I’m going to buy a house in the next few months. More on that later.

Posted at 02:15 PM | Comments (2)

April 20, 2005

Pet Peeve #27

If I ask for a simple piece of information, like an IP address or a device name, how about giving it to me in your voicemail instead of making me call you back.

When I call, you'll be away from your desk and then I'll have to leave you a voicemail concerning the voicemail you left me about the information I need that you didn't give me. Then you'll call me back and leave a voicemail about the voicemail I left you about the voicemail you left me about the information I need, which you still didn't give me in this last voicemail. When I call you back about the voicemail you left me about the voicemail I left you about the voicemail you left me concerning the information you didn't give me in your first voicemail, your voicemail says you're taking the rest of the week off. Bastard.

Posted at 10:10 AM | Comments (4)

April 19, 2005

I speak Uhmericun

You'd think after 20+ years in the South I'd speak Dixie. Recon I'll has to chaynge the ways I be talkin'.

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English
25% Dixie
20% Yankee
0% Midwestern
0% Upper Midwestern
What Kind of American English Do You Speak?
Posted at 03:00 PM | Comments (2)

April 18, 2005


In case you're wondering, there is a big difference between calling 1-800-GO-COMPAQ and 1-800-OK-COMPAQ for server support.

Posted at 10:49 AM | Comments (1)

April 15, 2005

Who be you?

I got this from RP who got it from Mia who got it from Eric.

The long and short of it is that we're curious about you, Dear Reader. Are you a friend, regular reader, casual reader, searching for pictures of 3-legged dogs, a lurker, or what? I'm sure they're more categories, but I can't think of them. RP says it better than I can...I'm just curious about who you be?

Leave a comment if you would be so kind.

Posted at 04:14 PM | Comments (17)


Sometimes I don’t understand people. I’m on call this week and last night our payroll server went down. It’s a Citrix machine that is used by our state offices so I thought I’d do my best to get it up and running. To do that, I had to scavenge an internal fan from another machine. Now, I admit that I didn’t call the ‘owner’ of the machine to tell them what I was doing, but I felt that getting the production payroll server up and running was more important. Well, guess what? I was wrong.

What makes me mad is that I did what I had to do to get the server up and running. Granted, I didn’t tell the guy why his box was down and I simply forgot. I’m pissed at myself for not telling him because deep down I know I should have. On the other hand, a server that up until yesterday hosted a SINGLE training video does not qualify as production. I know that the guy is mad because he thinks his stuff isn’t important, and I hate to tell him, but it isn’t. If his server were down for a week, it would not cost this company a nickel in lost productivity. If the production payroll server were down (on the 15th of the month), then I’d have over 1500 people waiting to get paid.

To top if off, he puts in a Priority One help desk which essentially says he doesn’t know why he can’t get to the server…when we’ve already talked about it for most of the meeting. First thing I did was drop it to a Priority Two and put a note in it that explained the situation and also said something like, “since it isn’t a true production server, I felt that it was ok to take the fan”. He, of course, has to counter with “it is a true production server blah blah blah” and I didn’t feel like fighting him over it. I think the real reason he’s pissed that we took it down is that he has stuff on there from his side business and he can’t get to it. Too fuckin’ bad.

What pisses me off the most if that, in my opinion, they’re making a mountain out of a molehill. However, I can also see myself getting pissed if the same thing happened to me. But then again, I would have had something in place to notify me that my server had a problem. He didn’t…and now it’s my fault.

Posted at 01:04 PM | Comments (2)

April 14, 2005


The comment heard the most this weekend was, “What happens in New Orleans, stays in New Orleans”. The funny thing is, not all that much went on…or at least these people are better at keeping secrets than I am.

Apparently, someone forgot to tell one of our counterparts that New Orleans was a bit risqué. Seems she couldn’t come to grips with body shots, which I personally find pretty cool. I was a little irritated because 1) these people were on their own time, 2) they were not doing anything illegal, and 3) it’s freakin’ New Orleans. What do you think happens on Bourbon Street? Church Socials? Not hardly.

One of the cooler parts of the trip was the ride down. We took The City of New Orleans train from Jackson to New Orleans and it was a blast. I wish train travel was utilized more often because I love to ride the train. We had plenty of room, the employees were courteous and friendly, and we got to see some cool stuff. I actually saw two alligators in the bayou around Lake Ponchetrain. It was just cool. Eating in the dining car was a lot of fun, too. A word of caution though. When pouring your soda into a glass, be sure to lift both off the table. If not, you’ll end up spilling it all over the table, which will cause the server to chastise you, the head waitress to laugh at you, and all the old people around you to snicker. Doing it twice will make you even more embarrassed and people will be sure to notice all the other crap you spill throughout the weekend.

I didn’t go out Sunday night because I had a headache that almost made me barf. It was incredible. Imagine someone sticking a railroad spike through your eyebrow and out the back of your head. Then imagine them heating it, and tapping on it every once in a while to remind you that it’s still there. That’s about what it felt like. I was in bed about 8:30. In case you think I’m exaggerating, I’ll have you know that I left a piece of chocolate cake 90% intact. Turns out I missed some cool stuff like girl-on-girl body shots, cage dancing, and other assorted “what happens in New Orleans, stays in New Orleans” kinds of things. Stupid railroad spike.

We spent all day Monday in presentations, some of which were good, and some of which made me want to pluck out my eyelids. And can someone please tell me why there’s always that one guy who has to argue a trivial point like he’s in front of the Supreme Court? These guys should be put in a national registry and banned from all company meetings. Gee whiz, if there had been a hammer in that room, someone would have beaten this dork senseless. As it turns out, he was wrong and finally shut up.

Monday afternoon, several of us headed down Decatur and hung out at an open-air bar. The little jazz combo was really good and even took requests. Thankfully, they didn’t know “Muskrat Love”, which is one of the guy’s favorite songs. We had a few drinks and some awesome crawfish. They had a great flavor and weren’t too hot. Then, it was off to NOLA, one of Emeril’s restaurants.

This was the most fun I’d had in a while. The atmosphere was very good, the Apple martinis were excellent (I refuse to call them Apple-tini’s), and my friends and I had a blast. The crotchety, hard-of-hearing, gotta-complain-to-the-manager, old farts next to us might have had a different experience. They were trying to conduct some ‘business’ in a loud restaurant with brick walls that caused the sound to bounce around like a rubber ball. Needless to say, our 'antics' didn't sit very well with them. Our waiter earned an extra-generous tip when he said, “You're paying money the same as they are. You have your fun and let them have theirs”. In spite of the old coots, we still had a lot of fun.

Let me be honest here, Dear Reader. This was, by far, some of the best food I’ve ever eaten. I got the NOLA Shellfish Stew, and although I was expecting something more like a cioppino, it was still very good. We all shared what we ordered and not one of the entrees was anything less than excellent. I highly recommend NOLA to anyone heading to New Orleans. Just don’t tell them I sent you. I’m not sure I can go back.

I wish I had some stories of drunken debauchery and illicit fornication, but alas, it was a fairly tame trip. Maybe next time.

Posted at 03:28 PM | Comments (3)

April 13, 2005

Work Tip #3

When making a presentation on the recently implemented web-filtering software to a group of Senior IT Executives, it is recommended that you create handouts of various reports so they may follow along during the presentation. Said handouts can include Top 5 users, most frequently visited sites, and a list of 'adult sites' that are being accessed during business hours.

It is essential, however, to have someone else review said handouts in case sites like "analsexlessons.com" and "dangerousdongs.com" happen to slip through the URL editing you did late the night before.

Posted at 01:52 PM | Comments (6)

April 08, 2005

The Big Easy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in New Orleans at a company-sponsored meeting. Y'all have fun and I'll talk to you again on Wednesday...unless I get arrested for doing something stupid...which has been known to happen. Apparently, flashing is limited to boobs...if you show more, some people get upset. Prudes.

Peace. Out.

Posted at 03:13 PM | Comments (4)

April 06, 2005


When the weather gets bad, most people run to turn on their local news, the Weather Channel, or their weather radios. I don't own a weather radio and since I switched to satellite, it tends to go out right about the time I need an update. Since we get some hella-wicked storms around here, I had to find an alternate means of weather forecasting.

I needed something reliable, durable, and accurate. It couldn't run on electricity, rely on signals from a satellite, or alert me via radio waves. It had to give me ample notice of impending bad weather, it had to have the ability to wake me from a sound sleep, it had to work in any room of the house, and it had to be affordable. I am proud to announce, I have found such a device.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the only foolproof system I've found for predicting the weather. The Treydar™ Early Warning Weather System.


The Treydar™ system has a simple-to-use interface for weather prediction. If the Treydar™ Atmospheric Indicator Lever (TAIL™) is up, weather conditions are favorable. If TAIL™ is down*, then weather conditions are worsening. If TAIL™ is down and the Treydar™ unit has relocated to the closet, then tornadoes are not far off.

The Treydar™ Early Warning Weather System is the best weather prediction system that I have ever used. It's intuitive TAIL™ system gives you accurate up-to-the minute weather updates, it's nightime PANT™ mode will gently shake you awake, and the Treydar™ is extremely portable. The tripod motion system effortlessly moves the Treydar™ around your house. Why, it's so smooth, you barely notice as it gets under your feet or between your legs.

The Treydar™ Early Warning Weather System. Accurate predictions, simple to use, and oh-so affordable. Coming soon to a store near you.

*NOTE: If the "Bad Dog!" command has been invoked prior to checking the weather, it is possible that Treydar™ could exhibit a false tail down bad-weather signal. This is a known bug in the software and should be fixed in Treydar™ 2.0.

Posted at 04:04 PM | Comments (5)

April 05, 2005

A Compliment...I think.

From: Supervisor
Sent: Tuesday, April 05, 2005 12:45 PM
To: Howard
Subject: Training class


Please submit a project to attend the MS-2208 training class.


-----Original Message-----
From: Howard
Sent: Tuesday, April 05, 2005 1:10 PM
To: Supervisor
Subject: RE: Training class

Do I have to do a justification-type thing?

-----Original Message-----
From: Supervisor
Sent: Tuesday, April 05, 2005 1:17 PM
To: Howard
Subject: RE: Training class

Yeah, just say how it'll help you and Mark do your job better... you are the master of BS, I expect eloquence!

Posted at 01:49 PM | Comments (4)

April 04, 2005


My new toy...


I got it as a 'perk' from someone for which I do some side work. He's a techno-dweeb and has to have the latest and greatest. He got a new PDA/cellphone and gave this little jewel to me. Now I am also a techno-dweeb so I gave my Dell Axim X5 to a friend.

Posted at 03:56 PM | Comments (0)


This was forwarded to me by a friend. It's part of an email that he received from a system administrator at a sister company. The sys admin was running out of space on one of his servers and couldn't figure out why. This is one of his guesses:

There is a file on the root of C called pagefile.sys at 260mb created in March of 2005. I don't know what this file is. I tried to open it in Notepad, but I get an error saying the file is being used by another process. I cleaned out the recycle bin which did free up some space.

For the non-techies out there, pagefile.sys is a system file used by Windows. It's been around since Windows 95. It is inconceivable that this person didn't know the purpose of the file. Imagine your doctor not knowing where your heart is; your dentist asking what those hard, sharp, white thingys are in your mouth; your mechanic looking in the trunk for your engine (VW owners excluded).

Yeah, this might not seem such a big deal to you, but just wait until your proctologist tries to stick his finger in your mouth. Believe me, you'll know how I feel right now.

Posted at 01:58 PM | Comments (4)

April 01, 2005

College folks

I went to a very good small, liberal arts college with some incredibly smart people. As such, sometimes I hate running into them. When they ask what I'm doing, I always feel weird just saying "computer support for XYZ company" because invariably they come back with, "Really? I just came back from a 3 month TDY at The Hague where I helped craft legislation to recover millions of dollars for starving families." To which I respond, "Uh...Wow...Cool." I mean, how the hell do you respond to something like that: "Oh yeah, well I just pushed out 200 copies of Windows XP Service Pack 2 and had zero failures. So there. Asshead."

What brought this about? Well, today at lunch I ran into a fraternity brother that I hadn't seen in quite a few years. We chatted a bit and we went through the whole 'what are you up to' routine and it turns out he's a Product Manager for a chemical company in Austin. This is after getting a graduate degree in Chemistry from UT. "What do I do? Uh, I do computer support." *Sigh*.

As my buddies and I are leaving, I lean in to say goodbye and notice he's sitting with his sister, who also went to school with us. We start chatting and when she tells me where she's working, the only thing I can think of to say is, "Well, don't run over me if you see me riding my bike out there." to which she responds, "I try to be careful." To which my brain responds, "You, Sir, are a major Dork." After a few more minutes, we say goodbye and I head back to my friends...who make me walk, in the rain, to the car.

You see, it wouldn't have been so bad if I, uh, well, um, if, uh, if I hadn't had a crush on her in school. She was pretty cute, and still is, so I got a bit flustered when talking to her, plus, I knew my buddies were waiting on me. She, uh, did give me a pretty firm, extended handshake. Ladies, does that mean anything? I think she may be single, too. But I'm not sure....cause I couldn't see her left hand. And yes, I made it a point to look. And, uh, I looked her up in the phonebook, too.

I still feel like a dork.

Posted at 01:41 PM | Comments (7)