September 30, 2004

Golf Tournament Time

I'll not be around tomorrow, but don't worry. I will be volunteering here the entire weekend. I'll be operating a ShotLink device, which marks the player's ball on the fairway and green. Pretty cool, actually. It's a survey machine hooked up to a Palm Pilot. You "shoot" the ball with a laser and it records the position of the ball relative to the tee or the hole. It then transmits that data to the ShotLink computers, which uploads it to the internet. Slicker than cow shit, really.

Today, I got to see David Duval, Fred Funk, and Joey Sindelar while we were out there for lunch. One of the few perks here is that we get free tickets to the tournament, free parking passes, and free tickets to our Hospitality Tent. It is usually a lot of fun, which is why I like to volunteer. Plus, you get some up close time with the golfers.

Anyway, if you're huntin' me, that's where I'll be. I'll let you know how it went on Monday.

Posted at 03:41 PM | Comments (0)

September 29, 2004

Naked Gym Guy

Dear Naked Gym Guy,

I'm sure you're a nice guy. You probably have quite a few friends, and I'm sure the guy at the tattoo parlor loves you. You're well-spoken and can carry on a conversation even when the person you're speaking to is trying like crazy to not look at your naked personage.

Sir, if I may be so bold...Please stop talking to me when you're butt freakin' naked. Didn't you see me turn my head when I rounded the corner and saw your pimply posterior staring me in the face? Of course not, you were too busy saying, "Hey man, how's it going?". And if you must converse while showing your corpulent backside, please, please, please don't be wiping it with your towel. That's just gross.

In closing, I would like to congratulate you on the fortitude you exhibit by coming to the gym on a daily basis. However, Naked Gym Guy, I must deduct a myriad of points for this simple fact; you talk to strangers butt freakin' naked. If you will not refrain from this act, I will be forced to gouge my eyes out, purchase a seeing-eye dog, and train him bite your testicles off the next time you exhibit them to God and Country.

Please, my man, wrap that package before speaking.

Posted at 02:37 PM | Comments (5)

September 28, 2004

Vegetation Vandal update

Wow. This thing has taken on a life of its own. We have wanted posters featuring Heimlich, a robot-voiced ransom note left by by Al-Quedah, a second ransom note written in the same ransom note font, and a press release about the capture of Heimlich.

I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Posted at 08:16 AM | Comments (1)

September 27, 2004

The Vegetation Vandal

This just in...

-----Original Message-----
From: (deleted)
Sent: Monday, September 27, 2004 9:59 AM
To: Facilities Manager
Cc: Department Manager
Subject: Vandalism

Facilities Manager, someone is destroying plants in (name deleted)'s office. It started several weeks ago with a plant of his – a beautiful philodendron. First, the runners were snipped. After they fell off, the individual leaves started being cut a few at a time each day until only 1 leaf remained on the whole plant. He took it home. He got a second philodendron and the same thing is happening – a couple of leaves are cut just about every day. You can tell the fresh cuts from the older ones, even if you don’t remember specifically which leaves are there one day and gone the next. This is ridiculous and I’m not sure what can be done about it, but something needs to be. Any ideas?

Hide your plants, kiddies, it seems the Vegetation Vandal is back. And he's pissed!

And, for the record, I had nothing to do with this. However, we did take full advantage of the situation by sending him a ransom note in a nice ransom-note font. It said, "If you involve the authorities again, the plants gets it. Sincerely, The Vegetation Vandal."

Posted at 02:23 PM | Comments (5)

September 25, 2004

Fishing redux

What a great two days. We drive down through the remnants of the remnants of Ivan, which consists of lots of rain and lots of wind. Luckily, we didn't get much of either.

Got to Port Sulphur, put our stuff in the camp house, which, by the way, has central air, 2 bathrooms, upright fridge, upright freezer, and an awesome view. Roughing it sucks.

Went to the local eatery/gas station for burgers. This place has great food and plenty of it. The normal-sized hamburger is a double. When it was delivered, one of the guys said, "Wait. YOU ordered a double?" The waitress responded, "No, dat de regulah size." It was fantastic, too.

Played Texas Hold 'Em, which is pretty much the new black of poker. Everywhere I turn, people are either talking about it, playing it, or talking about playing it. I got my ass, not like that. I lost. If we were playing for real money, I would have lost big time.

Got up at the crack of dawn, went back to gas station for breakfast. Poured my coffee directly into the sugar dispenser cause it was early, jack, and I needed a boost.

Hit the water about 8 am. Let me tell you something, folks, we live in an absolutely beautiful country. I am awestruck everytime we leave the docks in Port Sulphur. The sun was just coming up, painting the sky in the most dazzling colors. There was a slight, cool breeze that smelled of the sea and you could see nothing but water and marsh grass wherever you looked. I could have sat there for hours, doing nothing but watching the world.

Next thing I know, it's 1:30 pm and we're heading back. I'm tired, my hand is about to cramp, my feet hurt, and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. It was a great time yet again. Between my buddy and I, we caught 40 redfish (we can only keep 5 a piece), 27 speckled trout (kept them all), and I caught two flounders. Fantastic!

Got home last night, put more ice on the fish, and crashed. It was the most fun I've had in close to a year. With the divorce stuff, the crap with my Mom, and just crap in general, it was great to just relax and unwind. I went down there with people I consider great friends and had an incredibly good time.

Thought I'd share some of the verbal highlights, too.

"You know how I know that? Because I'm bad ass!"
"Do the Tylenol PM make you sleepy?"
"Warn us before you do that next time."
"Damn right I'm going all-in, it's not real fucking money."
"Um, I wouldn't go in there for about an hour."
"You're wearing cologne? We're going fishing for christ's sake."
"Um, I wouldn't go in there for two hours."

Good times!

Posted at 04:59 PM | Comments (2)

September 23, 2004

One Hundred Years Ago

September 23rd, 1904 was the day my Bub was born. Or at least that's the date she chose when she came to America so that's the day we celebrated. Since her family followed the Jewish calendar, she really wasn't sure what day she was born. I guess birthdays in the old country weren't that big a deal.

Happy Birthday, Bub. I miss you.

Posted at 11:04 AM | Comments (0)

September 22, 2004

Who wears pajamas?

Saw this in a Time Magazine article on blogging.

"Bloggers have no checks and balances. [It's] a guy sitting in his living room in his pajamas."
—JONATHAN KLEIN, former senior executive of 60 Minutes, on Fox News

Funny thing, though. The guy who's supposed to rely on his "checks and balances" failed to do so and may soon be sitting in his living room in his jammies. Et tu, Rather?

And, for the record, nothing comes between me and my keyboard, Klein.

*Thanks to Maura for the article.

Posted at 01:42 PM | Comments (2)

Work Tip #256

If your company is sponsoring a luau and the eldest member of said company hands you a lei, it is best to not say, "Hey, I just got lei'd by (employee name)!"

Posted at 10:36 AM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2004

Don't bug me, I'm reading

If anyone wants me, I'll have my nose buried in this for the next few days.

Posted at 05:33 PM | Comments (1)

Morning Wood Week 2

Despite a valiant effort by the Eagles' defense, the Wood went down in defeat this week. Several of our starters were a bit limp and Coach Levitra was to speak to them today during a mandatory meeting. "Coach is a good motivator and will pump us up for our next game," said team MVP DeShaun Foster.

The Wood were down by 10 points at the start of last night's game and although Philly's D did an excellent job, they were only able to score us 9. It was a heartbreaker. Coach Levitra and I are proud of our boys even though we came up short.

The Wood recently acquired Dominic Rhodes due to the injury of starting running back, Edgerrin James. Sorry to say we had to let Tai Streets go. His production was just not what we were looking for and Coach Levitra and I felt it best that we release him early.

The Wood is currently 1-1, with 122 points.

Posted at 02:18 PM | Comments (0)

Here fishy, fishy

Well, boys and girls, it's time for the annual 3leggeddog and Friends Fishing Excursion. We're headed to Port Sulphur, Louisiana to catch some redfish, speckled trout, flounder, and black drum.

It's usually a lot of fun and no reason to think it won't be this year. We're heading out Thursday and will fish all-day Friday. I'll be sure to post some pictures when I get back.

If you're interested in going on a guided trip, let me recommend Fishunter Guide Service. The Roberts are excellent guides and are a lot of fun. This will be my 4th time with them, and I highly recommend them.

Posted at 11:05 AM | Comments (1)

September 20, 2004


For the record, I hate the Auburn Tigers. And their coach.

Posted at 10:39 AM | Comments (3)

September 17, 2004

The King is in the House

Nothing gets rid of a crappy day like some good ol' BB King. Today we're having Live at the Regal with a side of Makin' Love is Good For You.

I got to see BB live about 3 or 4 years ago and let me state for the record that I have never enjoyed a concert more. My favorite show of all time, however, has to be Ray Charles in '89 or '90. What's yours?

Posted at 10:31 AM | Comments (9)

September 16, 2004

What holiday?

I guess it's kinda sad when the only reason you know it's a Jewish holiday is because your Dilbert calendar says so. *sigh* Guess I'll hear it from my Mom because I forgot to call and wish her a Happy New Year. For those you that don't know, it's Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.

Jews all over the world are celebrating. Me? I'm going to play golf with my friend at his church's monthly Fellowship on the Fairways tournament.

Happy New Year to all my Jewish friends/readers.

Posted at 11:15 AM | Comments (4)

Ivan Update

Well, Ivan was kind to my part of the state. It acted more like a politician than a hurricane...lots of hot air and little substance. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. It could have been much worse and I'm just glad it wasn't.

Posted at 10:39 AM | Comments (1)

September 15, 2004

Laptop Update

Got a call from the repair shop this morning that the DBA's laptop has been fixed. The DBA showed up in my office about 9:30 this morning and asked if I had an update. I, being the professional that I am, turned around and said, "Yep. It came in last night and it's ready for me to pick up." He said, "So, when can you get it?" I said, "Well, with all this hurricane stuff going on, it may be Friday before I can get over there." He said, "Oh."

The thing is, I'm not doing anything to prepare for the hurricane. I'm just being a bastard. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pull the wings off a few flies.


One of my coworkers brought it back and the son of a bitch came in and took it off my desk when I wasn't looking. AUUUGGGHHH!! That pisses me off to no end!! Stupid, lowlife, weasely, conniving f*er went behind my back. I hope his wife gets her fat ass kicked while playing Monopoly. I HATE it when people one up me. I'll get him back, though. You just wait and see.

Posted at 03:18 PM | Comments (2)

Ivan Ho

Posted at 10:45 AM | Comments (2)

September 14, 2004

City Government?

I renewed my car tag online about a month ago and still haven't received the little stickers to put on the plate. I called the County Tax Collector's office about it and they said that the sticker was mailed on the 16th of August. When I explained that I hadn't gotten it, the lady offered to check and see if it was returned to them for any reason. Guess what? It'd been returned because of an invalid zip code. Interesting.

Why is this interesting? My zip code changed 3 years ago. The system that the county uses has not had an update in three years. I couldn't believe, uh, county system...Hmm. You know something? This is sad. My life is so f*in boring that I'm now posting about city government. Suck. I need to get out more.

Posted at 03:04 PM | Comments (1)

September 13, 2004

Vroom! Vroom!

I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle. No. Really. I am.

Posted at 01:57 PM | Comments (1)

Morning Wood Week 1

Well, my boys did pretty well this week. We won 63-40 over cross-town rival "Dyslexic Hamsters". Props to Thomas Jones, running back for the Bears, and Eric Johnson, tight end for the Niners.

Posted at 12:53 PM | Comments (0)

September 10, 2004

Laptop Update or How I flipped of a preacher

The DBA came by first thing this morning.

"Hey Howard, you got an update on my laptop?"

Yeah, dude. Here's your update.


DBA walks away. Mission accomplished.

The guy in my office then says, "You know you just flipped off a preacher, right?"

"I did what?"

"You shot a preacher the bird. The guy graduated from seminary before he became a DBA."

"Great. Guess I just got an upgrade to first class on the Hell Express."

Posted at 10:40 AM | Comments (7)

September 09, 2004

Work Tip #18

If you happen to see a fellow employee backing out and think it would be a good idea to pull up right behind them. Don't. They won't see you and will back straight into you.

Posted at 10:33 AM | Comments (1)

September 08, 2004

I'll let you know as soon as I hear something.

I picked up a trouble ticket yesterday that was called in by our DBA, George. The laptop screen kept going blank and then the machine would lock up on him. I figured it was a good ol' ID-10-T error. I was wrong.

I had to take it to a local place for repairs since it's under warranty. I got the laptop from him at 9 am.

10 am. "What did they say?" George, I've not taken it yet. Been a bit busy so I'll take it around lunch.

11 am. "Just checking to see if you've taken it yet." Nope, I'm heading that way after lunch.

2:30 p.m. "Hey, Howard. Just checking to see if you've heard anything." No. I'll let you know as soon as I hear something. I promise.

4:00 p.m. "Hey, Howard, have you heard anything fr..." Dude. I said I'd call you as soon as I heard something. These people are not speedy. I'll call them in the morning and let you know.

8:25 a.m. Today. "Hey, Howard, have you heard..." George. It's 8:25. They don't open till 9. I'll call as soon as I get out of staff meeting.

9:15 a.m. Service company calls. "Hey, this is Tom. What exactly is wrong with this laptop? I can't make it do anything." Tom, lift it up by the corner and watch the monitor. "Oh. Yeah. There it goes. Thanks!" He hangs up. I am brimming with confidence that they'll figure it out.

9:30 a.m. (via telephone) George, the service company called. The guy didn't know what the problem was so I explained it over the phone. He was able to duplicate it. Yes, I explained it to the woman behind the desk and she took notes. Who knows, maybe the guy can't read. No, I don't know when it'll be ready. Yes, I know about the last time it was worked on. You told me already. This is different. Yes, I'll let you know as soon as I hear something.

11:30 a.m. "Hey, Howard, have you..." George. Come on, dude, you're killin' me. I told you, I'll let you know as soon as I hear something.

2:30 p.m. "Hey, Howard..." GEORGE, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY OFFICE BEFORE I CHOKE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU! Holy fuck, dude, leave me alone already. I promise, as God is my witness, that I'll let you know as soon as I hear something. What?!? Say that again, slowly. You mean the only reason you need it so soon is so your wife can play Monopoly on it? You're shittin' me, right? You're not.

George, I'm going to say it one more time, very slowly, so you'll understand every word. I will let you soon as...I hear something. If you ask me about it one more time, I'm going to tell them you quit and they can keep it as long as possible. Now get out of here before I break my foot off in your ass. Oh. And George? Tell your old lady to go to Toys R-freakin' Us and buy the board game.

Posted at 03:13 PM | Comments (5)

Work Tip #23

It is best to not use the word "porn" when explaining why a user's email may have been blocked by the company spam filter. It is especially important to adhere to this rule if said user is of the "Bible-thumping" variety.

However, if one is having an incredibly crappy day, it is permissable to use the word "porn" in casual conversation just to watch the blood drain from that user's face. Repeatedly.

Posted at 11:20 AM | Comments (3)

September 07, 2004

Politics, politics, politics

This post made me think, which is good and bad, actually. Why? Well, it made me think about why I was voting for Bush, which is good. But then I came up with the answer, which is bad. You see I, like many Americans, am voting for the lesser of two evils. Personally, I’d rather have McCain.

I read all 62 comments on Ari’s site, and the one thing that bothered me most was “Bush lied about Iraq”. He did? Holy Crap! You mean, gasp, that a politician, especially the Leader of the Free World, lied? How can this be? Politicians don’t lie. They’re there to serve the needs of The American People. They tell us that all the time. If the American People want it, then by God, I want it too. How often have we heard that only to respond, “Uh, this American People doesn’t want you to do that”. Gay marriage, gun control, Medicare, Social Security, and dozens of other issues can be resolved when the politician votes according to the will of The American People. Trouble is folks, the will of The American People may not be the will of the American Lobbyist. And guess who wins? It ain’t us.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that if you’re not going to vote for a man because he “lies”, then you might as well not vote at all. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…All politicians lie. To some extent or another, they don’t tell the truth. It’s part of the job. You show me a politician who has not told a lie and I’ll show you the most ineffective politician ever. The question is, why do they lie?

That, my friends, is the $64,000 question. My answer is this: They lie because we allow them to. There is no accountability if the politician is caught in a lie. Sure, we bluster and bitch and complain, but in the long run, nothing substantial happens. Clinton lied about Monica. Nothing happened. Nixon lied about Watergate. He resigned, but then 15 years later, he was lauded as a Republican hero. Reagan lied about Iran Contra. Nothing. I’m sure Ford lied about something, but not many people were paying attention to him, so it didn’t really matter. Sure, some of you will say, "Vote 'em out of office". That's an idea that rarely works. Well, unless you're Gray Davis.

A prime example is happening here in Mississippi. The Republican Governor, Haley Barbour, has cut 65,000 people from Medicaid with plans to shift them to the federal Medicare system. He did this with the full knowledge and support of the Legislature. Guess what? It's not very popular at all. It's causing a huge problem for many legislators. And now some of those legislators are calling on the Governor to open a special session, at taxpayer expense, to overturn the decision that THEY made. Liars, all of them.

There were some arguments that Bush’s tax plan helped the rich. Sure, it may have, but remember something, the rich will always find ways to get around taxes. They can afford to hire tax attorneys to do that. I’m sure if you or I could afford them, we’d pay fewer taxes too.

Others complained about Bush severing ties with our “allies”, Germany and France. C’mon, France? Ever wonder why Chirac hates America? It’s because his voters hate America. He could take a crap on the steps of Notre Dame, say it was in response to something Bush said, and then be elected president for life of France. Honestly, people, I’m getting tired of apologizing for being an American.

Well, I seem to have veered off topic a bit. The original point I was trying to make is pretty much the same thing Ari says. I’m not voting for Bush because I think he’s the best candidate available, I’m voting for him because he’s the only alternative.

Posted at 03:16 PM | Comments (1)

I won!

I won the football pool at work! $30 cash! Wahoo! Cocktails are on me.

Posted at 01:55 PM | Comments (3)

365 days later

Wow. I just realized I've been doing the blog thing for a whole year. It sure doesn't feel like it. As of today, I've posted 366 times and have gotten 627 comments. Pretty cool if you ask me.

I need to thank the Yeti from the now defunct Tales from a Yeti Suit. He was the reason I got into this blog thing. I liked what he wrote and thought I'd give it a try myself. If anyone out there knows him, tell him I said "thanks".

To the fine folks at Thank you for making me a part of the group. I still get tickled everytime I get to log in to the exclusive stuff. Now, if we can just get my archives uploaded. :)

I'd also like to thank my loyal fan base...all 5 of you. If you promise to keep laughing, I promise to keep writing.

And finally, I'd like to give a special shout out to those of you who have become my friends over the last year. I won't mention names in case I forget someone, but you know who you are. Maybe we'll even get to meet face-to-face sometime in the future. I'd like that.


Posted at 09:34 AM | Comments (7)

September 03, 2004

Morning Wood update

Thought I'd give y'all an update on my Morning Wood. Coach Levitra has had a hard time drafting quality talent this year because we have a record number of teams in our league. He's stuck with it, though, and has gone balls to the wall to get good players. Here's who we have so far.

QB - Drew Bledsoe - Buffalo
QB - Carson Palmer - Cincinnati

RB - Edgerrin James - Indianapolis
RB - Thomas Jones - Chicago
RB - DeShaun Foster - Carolina

WR - Joe Horn - New Orleans
WR - Darrell Jackson - Seattle
WR - Tai Streets - Detroit
WR - Darius Watts - Denver

TE - Open

K - Morten Andersen - Kansas City

Defense - Philadelphia

In the final three rounds, Coach Levitra has been instructed to pick a tight end, an additional receiver, and an additional defense. Just in case. Soon as they're picked, I'll let you know.

Posted at 10:08 AM | Comments (2)

It's official

Just received this from the VP of my department..."For those on staff that are involved in the preparation of hurricane Frances, please check the strength of your pager battery before leaving for the weekend."

It's official. I am now a member of the team that is preparing to head to Florida if necessary. We have christened ourselves "Team Preparation H" because this is going to be a pain in the ass.

Posted at 08:18 AM | Comments (1)

September 02, 2004

Work Tip #1333

No matter how carefully you try and draw the State of Florida on your white board, it's going to end up looking like a drooping penis. Sure, everyone in your office thinks it's hilarious, but I promise you, the boss won't.

Posted at 04:03 PM | Comments (2)

I'm going where?

Check this out...500,000 people are being told to evacuate south Florida. My company, in its infinite wisdom, wants to send people to south Florida. Why? So we can bring generators to try and get our offices back online once the hurricane moves through. Good idea, right? Wrong.

You see, folks, my company uses the public internet to connect their remote offices to their central office. Each one uses a local ISP. Can anyone tell me what happens to telephone service when a Category 4 hurricane comes barreling through? Anyone? Exactly. Telephone service goes away. Several days after Charly, 100,000 people still didn't have telephone service. 100,000. What makes these "managers" think that telephone service, much less internet access, is going to be available in a few days? Morons.

You know, I don't mind helping out, honestly. If there is something constructive I can do, I'll do it. But do not send me in to a devastated area with a generator, bags of candy, lunch meat, and a sleeping bag. It ain't gonna happen. If I have to go to Florida to help a hurricane victim, it's going to be my Mom.

Posted at 04:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 01, 2004

Old School vs. New School

Old School vs. New School

My department consists of mainframe and PC/LAN/WAN folks. The mainframers are on one side of the building and the rest of us are on the other side. We think of them as COBOL, green screen, dumb terminal, programmers and they think of us as HTML, too many colors to be useful, laptop-carrying, latte drinking, young punks. It’s actually a good system. It’s another example of Old School vs. New School.

I used to think we could get beyond our differences and exist in a utopian, Walden Two kind of society, but alas, I don’t think that would happen. We seem to be too far apart to meet in the middle. Case in point:

You may remember me mentioning the toilet paper problem a week or so ago. Well, much to our chagrin, it has continued for the past three weeks. To combat this, both sides have taken to leaving subtle notes outside the offending stalls. You might be asking yourself, “Hey, how does Howard know what the other guys have on their stall?”. Simple, their side is my safe haven

To continue. As I said, both sides have taken to subtle reminders.

Week 1

The Old School reminder is a 3x5 yellow Post-It note that says, No T.P, written with a black Sharpie.

The New School reminder is a 8 ½ x 11 sheet of paper containing a roll of toilet paper with a red line through it and the caption, “Be sure to bring the latest memo, TPS cover sheet, or Disaster Recovery schedule with you since we seem to be out of toilet paper.”

Week 2

The Old School reminder is a 3x5 yellow Post-It note that says, No T.P, written with a black Sharpie.

The New School reminder is a two-parter. The top is a picture of Lumbergh saying, “Uh, yeah, uh, we’re going to need you to, uh, put some toilet paper in here. Uh. Yeah.”

The bottom half is a picture of Terry Tate, Office Linebacker , saying, “C’mon Baby! If you fill the bowl, you gotta change the roll! You know da’ rules!”

Week 3

The Old School reminder is a 3x5 yellow Post-It note that says, No T.P, written with a black Sharpie.

The New School reminder is a picture of Mr. T with the caption, “I pity the fool who comes in here to make a stink ‘cause there ain’t no toilet paper”.

Posted at 02:35 PM | Comments (0)

Folks, be sure to check out 3hive. To describe it, I'll use their own words:

3hive is a growing and ever-changing jukebox of MP3s we like. You won't find excerpts, streams, or any format other than the good, old-fashioned MP3. And because we link directly to the official label and artist websites where we found these links, you won't have to worry about the RIAA breathing down your neck.

I downloaded about 15 songs today and really enjoy the group, Evening. Check it out.

PS - I got it from either Heather or Jon. Can't remember, but since they're married, I guess it doesn't really matter.

Posted at 10:17 AM | Comments (0)