February 28, 2005

Noxious Fumes

So you know when the label on the bottle of Drano reads "Do not use in conjunction with bathroom cleaners" and you think, "Ha, what idiot would do that?" Hi. Nice to meetcha.

I was cleaning the tub yesterday and noticed that it was draining very slowly so I grabbed the bottle of Drano and poured about half of it in there, just like it says. What I failed to think about was that the remaining bathroom cleaner was probably still in the drain. Uh. Yeah. Not good.

Bathroom cleaner + Drano = really noxious fumes.

Fortunately, my nose is quite used to noxious fumes in the bathroom so I didn't suffer any ill effects. Next time, I'll just not clean the tub.

Posted at 03:36 PM | Comments (5)

February 25, 2005

Valid Validation

Here it is...A notarized copy of a blank report that provides valid validation of its blankness.

Posted at 03:12 PM | Comments (6)

Hey Grandpa! What's fer supper?

We're having deer roast, slow cooked in the crock pot, with Golden Mushroom and Cream of Mushroom soups, and one package Lipton Onion/Mushroom soup, and a whole mess of sliced carrots, celery, and potatoes. You'll get to sop up that gravy with some fresh-baked French Bread.

For dessert, we're having either fresh seedless red grapes from Chile, macadamia toffee popcorn, or ice cream.

Bring your own drinks, though. This ain't Piccadilly.

Posted at 10:13 AM | Comments (1)

February 24, 2005

Grumble, grumble, grumble

We're in the middle of doing inventory. It's a giant clusterf*. I completed mine on Monday, then come in Tuesday to find three reports in my office. A "Changes Report", an "Exceptions Report", and a "Differences Report". Wonderful. One of these stupid things is blank.

I read over them and they look correct. When I'm done reading, I do what all good support techs do when things look correct; absolutely nothing. I mean, if it looks fine, then I leave it alone. Unfortunately, that's not what I'm supposed to do. What I'm supposed to do, according to our Inventory Manager is validate the reports. Yep, they must be validated. Even the blank one.

My first question to him is "How do I validate a blank report?". He starts to give me the "10 minute ohmygodsomebodykillmealaready answer." Before he gets too far into it, I hold up my hand and say, "Wait. This is simple. Just tell me how I validate it? Do I sign it? Check something? Put my initials on it? What? I just want to know what needs to be done for this to pass the It's been validated test." He gets cranked up again. I again stop him and ask the same question; what does he consider as a valid indicator that the report's been "validated". Fortunately, he seems to be listening and gives me a rather snide, "I don't care. You can put a check mark on it if you want." So I put a check mark on it and hand it back. Apparently, a checkmark is not a valid validation indicator.

So you know what? I'm having them notarized. I'm going to put a check mark next to each friggin' entry, I'm going to sign the last page of each report with my entire 22 character given name, and then have the damn things notarized. Even the blank one.

Now, when I get canned for being a smartass, which one of you is going to give me a job?

Posted at 02:15 PM | Comments (4)

February 22, 2005

no! No! NO!

A woman upset about an impending breakup with her boyfriend cut off the man's penis and flushed it down a toilet

Ladies, enough with the chopping off of the penis, ok? That is just wrong.

Posted at 03:31 PM | Comments (3)

February 21, 2005

Google searchers

To whom it may concern:

If you came here looking for dogs doing the ugly monkey dance, 1) you're a sick fuck, and 2) you got the wrong site.


The Management

PS - For the one guy looking for "girls who like to fuc", you might try a spell checker next time...although I bet poor spelling is not the only thing holding you back.

Posted at 10:19 PM | Comments (4)

February 18, 2005

Work Tip #2

When using Microsoft's Remote Desktop Connection to access production web servers from your cubicle, one must never choose Shut Down when they meant to choose Disconnect to close the session. Must. Never. Choose.

Posted at 09:47 AM | Comments (6)

February 17, 2005

Where will you be?

I turned 39 last Saturday. My good friend and ‘spiritual advisor’ turns 40 tomorrow. I asked him today, “Is this where you’d thought you’d be when you turned 40?” His response, “I had no idea where I’d be when I turned 40.”

It got me to thinking, which is usually a bad thing. I started to wonder if I should have made plans and laid out my life like so many others do. I’ve always coasted through life, trying to avoid stress or unpleasantness and have succeeded for the most part, but at what costs? If I took more risks, would I be more successful now, more financially secure? Still married, but to someone else? Would I have had kids? It’s a lot to think about.

I was never a planner. In high school, the plan was to get out and move away. Got that one right. In college, the plan was to be a doctor, but then realized you don’t just be a doctor. All the bullshit you had to go through just didn’t seem worth it. Plus, I absolutely sucked at math (Ari?) and you can’t be a doctor without it. So, I got a psych degree instead, which has never been taken out of its box. Well, not officially, that is, since my professors made me sign a Will not practice psychology ever. agreement before they’d allow me to graduate. I’ve kept my word and never practiced. Thankfully, I was smart enough to get a business minor, which paid the bills.

Now that I’m 39, I start to wonder where I’ll be in the next 10 years. The next 20 years. Am I saving enough to retire on comfortably? (Uh, no.) Will I be remarried? Have kids, or step-kids, or grandkids, or step-grandkids? Will I still be fat? Will I make it 20 years? 30 years? 40 years?!?

What about you, Dear Reader? Do you have a plan? Is your life mapped out for the next howevermany years or are you flying by the seat of your pants? As for me, I think I’ll continue to fly. Hell, I was never very good at following maps, anyway. This plane’s a two-seater if anyone wants to ride shotgun. I must warn you, though, once we start this journey, I’m not stoppin’ every hour to pee. You’ll just have to hold it.

Posted at 01:18 PM | Comments (10)

February 15, 2005

JA Bowling Classic Redux

OK, folks, there are only 4 days left to donate for the Junior Achievement Bowling Classic. I've gotten $80.00 in donations so far, and really want to thank all of you that donated.

Don't forget, the dogs are going to randomly select one lucky donor for a $25.00 Amazon gift card.

All monies donated go directly to Junior Achievement.

Posted at 11:12 AM | Comments (1)

February 14, 2005

Shave my what?

A good friend is turning 40 on Friday. As a tribute, or to mock him, 5 of us are talking about shaving our head to look like him. He has the typical monk look, bald on top, hair around the sides.

We're about 95% agreed that we'll do it, then shave the rest of it off.


Posted at 03:38 PM | Comments (7)


I am fixin' to choke the ever-livin' shit outta some people. I have 4 users who are trying to connect to our office via VPN. Each one has a different kind of internet connection and each one is having different issues. And each one is crawling my ass to get them fixed. Fine. You want them fixed? I'll fix 'em.

Effective immediately, we will no longer support users attempting to access our VPN via a home wireless network. How the fuck do you like them apples, huh?

Effective immediately, we will no longer support users attempting to access our VPN who use the built-in Windows VPN dialer. You want in? You use our Cisco VPN software. You got more complaints? Bring 'em on! BRING! 'EM! ON!

Effective immediately, if you access our VPN via a home wireless network, you better have WEP security enabled or I'm going to stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it DRY!

Well, I must say I feel better. Nothing like solving problems by eliminating them all together.

Y'all have a nice day.

Posted at 02:57 PM | Comments (0)

February 11, 2005

Girl Scout Cookies

This is from the 3leggeddog archives. One of the guys brought the dreaded cookies in this morning, so I pulled this one out of the vault:

The Girl Scout cookies arrived today. I bought 3 boxes, one of Thin Mint, one of Peanut Butter sandwich, and one of Fudge-dipped shortbread (pease exuz any tipos...the drool is makin the kebord slipery).

I am in the middle of my 27th annual "It's Time to Lose Weight" diet marathon, so this is a really bad time for the cookies to appear. I was going to give them away, but the Thin Mints looked so sad when I told them they were going to a better place that I just couldn't do it. Maybe I can just leave them in the breakroom. The vultures in this department will eat any unattended food as long as it doesn't smell too bad.

The sad part is that I keep stealing glances at them as I type. Hello, little cookie, how are you today? You seem pretty lonely in that box. Would you like to see how nice and sunny it is outside? You would? Oh, that's wonderful. Here, let me open the box for you. There now, isn't that better? What? You can't see? How about I hold you up to my eye-level so you can look out the window. See the squirrels playing. Aren't they fun to watch. You're cold? Oh, I'm sorry. Here, I'll just hold you in my mouth to keep you nice and warm. Is that better? I'm so happy. You'll be safe in there. Nothing bad will happen to...CRUNCH!

Posted at 01:07 PM | Comments (2)

February 10, 2005

That doesn't sound right

I called the local Mazda dealer to make an appointment for an oil change. It went something like this:

Mazda: Service Department, can I help you?

Me: Yes Ma'am, I need to bring my car in for an oil change.

Mazda: Can I get your name?

Me: Sure, it's Howard G----in.

Mazda: (typing) Hmm. I don't show a G----and.

Me: No, Ma'am, there's no a, n, d. It's i, n.

Mazda: Oh. Sorry. Let me try that again. (keys clicking) I still don't find you. You said it's "G----an".

Me: No, Ma'am. It's an i, and an n. In. G----, then an i, then an n. I as in "icycle" and n as in "nancy".

Mazda: (keys clicking). I still don't find you. Are you sure that's correct? It just doesn't sound right.

Me: Well, that's how my Dad taught me to spell it. He wasn't very good at spelling though, so he might've gotten it wrong. Do you think we could try it one letter at a time?

Mazda: Um, sure. Whatever.

I spell it one letter at a time and have her repeat it as she types.

Mazda: OH! There you are. Howard G----in.

Me: Yes Ma'am, that's me. Just like my Daddy taught me.

Posted at 02:59 PM | Comments (3)

Valentine's Cards

Well, folks, V-Day is slowly approaching (yee-fuckin'-hah), and the fine folks at TopFive have a new Valentine's Day card website.

Go check it out. Some of the cards are really funny.

Posted at 01:09 PM | Comments (2)

February 09, 2005

Just an FYI

If your stomach is bothering you when you get home from work, a supper of fried deer tenderloin and baby carrots with ranch dip is probably not the best thing for you.

Posted at 06:56 PM | Comments (5)

Repeat after me


Posted at 01:43 PM | Comments (0)

February 08, 2005

In case you're wondering

I'm sitting in my boxers and a t-shirt watching the last half of Ray on my new 27" Sony Wega Flat screen TV. I bought it from a friend of mine who got one of these from his lovely wife in honor of his 40th b-day.

I will turn 40 on February 12th, 2006. Y'all better start saving now cause you know I'm gonna hit you up for one next year.

Posted at 08:22 PM | Comments (7)

February 07, 2005

Crapola Day

It's 10:00 a.m.

At 6:30, I woke up. The alarm was set for 6:00.

At 7:30, I get stuck behind a 712 year old driving to work.

At 7:38, the 712 year old's tire throws a stone onto my windshield. I now have a lovely rock peck in the middle of my windshield.

At 8:10, my computer tells me that I'm out of disk space. This is not possible. Upon further review, I have less than 100 meg available on my 40 gig drive.

At 9:00, I've been able to free up an additional 100 meg. No idea where the rest of my space has gone.

At 9:30, I begin moving all of my stuff to a networked drive since it looks like I will be rebuilding my laptop.

At 9:35, closed office door and cursed like a motherfuc*er.

At 10:00, calmed down somewhat and posted this bit of drivel.

Posted at 10:17 AM | Comments (6)

February 05, 2005

Dog Pictures

Some pics of the pooches doing the thing they love best...eating.

Here's Fancy:

Here's Trey:

Posted at 10:29 AM | Comments (4)

February 03, 2005

Customer Service my ass!

FUCK! Idiot! Don't tell me that a broken part isn't covered under the fucking warranty when that's exactly why I bought the fucking warranty in the first place. To fix the broken fucking parts! What good is a fucking warranty when it doesn't cover the broken fucking parts! Hellooooo?!?

Jesus Pete, this guy pissed me off. Part of me is tempted to put the name of the company I'm dealing with on here for the simple fact that if someone Google's them, they might run across my opinion of them. The other part hates jail.

The CMOS battery holder is broken. It was broken when it arrived. Don't tell me that your quality control department wouldn't send out a broken device. I've used your product, buddy, and the one thing you don't have is quality control. This is the poorest excuse for a tablet PC that I have ever seen.

It was all I could do to not jump through the phone and choke the living shit out of this idiot. Stupid jackass. You know what, dude, I hope your fucking camel gets the clap.

Posted at 03:14 PM | Comments (3)

February 01, 2005

If you could...

I'm watching Ray and one of the bonus features is a jam session (audition) between Ray and Jamie Foxx. I was floored. Can you imagine Jamie, who is a classical pianist, getting to sit down and jam with Ray Charles? I mean, how cool would that be? Jamming with Ray Charles and being able to hold your own. It gave me goose bumps to think about how he must have felt.

It got me to thinking...what would be the same experience for me? What would be that once-in-a-lifetime thing where I could showcase my talents with someone equally as talented? And I came up with nothing. No, really. Not a freakin' thing. Not sports, not music, not arts, not jack shit. There was nothing I could think of that I considered a true talent. Then it hit me. I knew what it was that I did well. Humor.

The one thing that I do almost without thinking about it is make people laugh. Whether it's at me or with me, making people laugh is what I do. It's my thing, my shtick. I love to do it. Sure, sometimes it's in inappropriate places or situations, but that's part of the fun. I am a funny guy. Then I knew what my once-in-a-lifetime thing would be. Improv with Robin Williams.

The ultimate thrill would be to make people laugh with him. To be on-stage, making shit up as we went along and seeing if I could hold my own. I would be tickled shitless (a good thing) to perform with him. It's definitely my once-in-a-lifetime thing.

OK, now it's your turn. If you had the chance, what would you do and whom would you do it with? Would you write a short story with Stephen King? Ride your bike with Lance? Sing with Aretha? Fish with Bill Dance? What? If I was a magic 3leggeddog and could grant you this wish, what would it be?

Posted at 07:21 PM | Comments (11)

Old age

I used to think that your hearing was the first things to go when you got old, but in my case, it's much worse. Unlike Elvis Costello, my aim ain't true.

Posted at 01:20 PM | Comments (2)