My company just emailed our new policy on workplace harassment. As I read through the definitions of what is considered harassment, the thing that kept popping into my head was, "Did it".
You know, sometimes there is nothing I like more than crawling into bed between fresh, clean sheets. It's got to be my favorite day of the month.
I had to go and I had to go now. I’d waited as long as I could and it was time. I flung open the door to the men’s room, only to discover that someone is in one of the two stalls. Decision time. Do I break the Sacred Tradition of Men and take the empty stall? Do I proceed to my safe haven? Do I shit all over myself? I had no choice. I broke tradition and took the other stall. Fortunately, I recognized the shoes of the current occupant as none other than my old pal, MB. Good fortune had smiled on me.
Normally, I’m not a stall talker. If someone happens to sit down next to me, I don’t talk to him. It’s just too weird. I may say something like, “Sorry about that, dude. Must have been the Taco Bell I had for lunch”, but for the most part, I’m quiet. It’s just one of those things that you don’t do, like picking your nose in public. But we all know that sometimes, you just gotta pick…and this was one of those times.
Me: Hey, man, check this shit out. (inside joke…I knew MB would laugh)
MB: laughs. What is it?
Me: Someone left the classified ads from the paper. You need anything?
MB: Yeah, you to shut up.
Me: Ah now, don’t be that way. You know I would have gone somewhere else if I could.
MB: I know. Was it an “I gotta go, and I gotta go now” situation?
Me: Do I have any other kind?
MB: Heh. Probably not.
Me: Oh cool, the personal ads. Wanna hear ‘em?
MB: Sure, I got nothing else to do.
Me: Ok. First one. Couple seeks singles or other couples, 35 to 45, for fun and good times. Cool. Wonder if they’ll take Jews?
MB: Heh. Doubt it. You’re too hairy. Any others?
Me: Yeah, here’s a good one. WWM, 51, doesn’t look his age, seeks full-figured SWF for LTR.
MB: Do what? What in the hell is a WWM or a SWF?
Me: Oh. Sorry. Forgot you’re new at this. WWM is “widowed white male”, SWF is “single, white female” and LTR is “long term relationship”.
MB: Ah. He’s looking for a chubby chick to be his next wife.
Me: Bingo! Give that man a courtesy flush.
MB: All right, dude, I’m outta here. You’re killing me.
Me: Up yours. See ya!
MB gets up, walks to the sink and starts washing his hands. I read another classified to him.
Me: Hey, here’s another. Single white male seeks single white female for no-strings-attached fun and games.
Since I’m running my mouth, I fail to hear the door to the bathroom open. I keep talking to MB.
Me: Dude, this stuff is sad. I know! I’ll put one in. How about single, horny Jewish guy, tired of watching porn seeks…
On some primitive level, I know we’re no longer alone. Some lower spinal cord thing has kicked in and I sense new people in the bathroom. I notice a new pair of shoes in the stall next to mine. I hear another pair walk to the urinal on the far side of the stall. And I hear the very faint sound of MB laughing. Hard. Really hard. As he walks out.
Keeping your Manager informed of a potential problem involving a Senior Vice President is good. Replying to his question of "What was his mood like?" with "If he was happy, I wouldn't need to give you a heads up." is not good. Subtle humor is sometimes lost on those at a managerial level.
When walking along Executive Row, it is recommended that one use their inside voice at all times. That way, when you blurt out, "Golly gee, you sure do have a lot of plants up here" the powers-that-be do not spin their heads around a la Linda Blair and give you the stink eye.
I swear, Officer, it was there when I woke up this morning.
And in case you're wondering, no, this is not my car.
UPDATE: C had a great idea. If you'd like, leave a caption. No, you won't win anything, but you will show us how funny you are. :)
The one part of my job that I dislike is ordering high-powered hardware for people with low-powered brains. Dropping several thousand dollars on notebooks for dumbasses is not my idea of "keeping expenses in check". It's crap like this that just chaps my ass. Why not just put "will allow me to play the latest kickass games when I travel" as the justification? We all know that's what you're going to do with it. Well, all of us except the higher-ups who approve stuff like this. I guess the trick is to drop a couple of buzz words such as "security audit" and "enterprise safety issues" to get what you want.
People just piss me off.
I've finally gotten the pictures back from deer camp and wanted to share them with you. I've put them in the extended entry part so if you don't want to see them, you don't have to.
Here's the pictures. And yes, that is deer blood all over my face. It's an unwritten rule that one gets 'blooded' when they kill their first buck. I was lucky that they didn't stick my head in the gut bucket...cause then I would have hurled.
Ok, folks, it's time to help out. For the past 5 years, I have participated in the annual Junior Achievement Bowling Classic. The Classic raises money for the JA programs in Mississippi and is always a lot of fun.
I need to raise a minimum of $75.00, which will not only help 6 students in the state, but will also get me a cool "Disco Bowl T-shirt". In order to do this, I've added a PayPal "Make a donation" button to the left. All money will go to Junior Achievement since I will cover any PayPal costs out of my pocket. I will also email you a receipt that you can use for tax purposes.
As an incentive, Trey and Fancy pooled their allowance and had me purchase a $25.00 Amazon gift card that they will award to one lucky donor. They will draw a name at random from all of the donors and that person will get the gift card.
So come on, folks, make a donation for a good cause and the opportunity to win an Amazon gift card from the original 3leggeddogs.
For the 1 millionth fucking time, you moron, it is NOT a problem with the VPN. It works. I downloaded the damn client, used YOUR userid and password (that you swore didn't work), and logged in. Don't tell me that "something must have been changed" because we don't make random, fucking changes. Dipshit!
And yes, I do feel better now.
Success! Got a buck (my first) early yesterday morning. 8 point, 17 1/2" inside spread, 170 lbs. Wahoo!
Pictures and story to follow...Now I have to get to work. Boooo!
Hi, you've reached 3leggeddog. We're currently deer hunting so no one can come to the blog right now. If you leave a brief message, someone will get back to you. Thanks and have a nice day.
Dear Self,
The next time you receive a package that you know contains two baby-sized afghans, do not open it in front of your friends. It is impossible to explain why someone sent you a pink afghan, even if it is for your niece. Dumbass.
A special thanks to Liz for sending me some of her overstock. My niece will love it.
Good thing/Bad thing:
You walk into your local sub shop and before you can approach the counter, one of the employees calls out your entire order and says it'll be ready in a minute.
Update: Liz asked that I share my order. I get the regular Italian Sub: Provolone, Ham, Prosciutto, Genoa Salami, Capicola, lettuce, onions, vinegar, salt, and pepper. I add a bag of chips and a sweet tea with a shot of lemonade.
I went here last night to play some blackjack. In the past, my experiences with blackjack consisted of getting $50 out of the ATM, handing it directly to the dealer, then going to eat. Why? Because it saved me both time and aggravation.
Playing blackjack was not my thing simply because I didn't understand the finer points of the game, splitting a pair, doubling down, insurance, and odds. I still don't understand a lot of it, but last night I understood enough to come out ahead. I WON! Yep, that's right, Dear Reader, for the first time ever, I walked out of a casino with more cash than I had going in. And let me tell you something, that $4.50 is just the beginning. Next time, I'm not leaving till I'm up at least $9.75! WAHOO!
And, for the record, if you're going to be a blackjack dealer, it would seriously help if you knew how to count. No, really, it would. You see, I'm pretty sure I got paid two or three times by mistake. The bad thing is that now I don't know if I actually won the $4.50 because of my blackjack skills or because the dealer couldn't count. It better be the blackjack skills because I've been told that girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
** Said in my best Dave
Chappelle voice
Me: Man, did you hear? Ben Rothlisberger is donating his playoff-game paycheck to the disaster relief fund. That's $18,000!
MB: Yeah, I read it this morning. You know Sandra Bullock donated a million bucks earlier this month, right?
Me: Yup. Saw it on the news. I also read that Michael Shumacher, the Formula1 racer dude, is going to donate 10 million euros.
MB: 10 million euros? Holy shit!
Me: Yeah, that was pretty cool, even though it's only about 8 or 9 thousand dollars American.
MB: No, idiot. It's going to be right around 10 million dollars.
Me: Oh! Really? Sweet. You know, dude, with all that cash, I need to have a local tsunami.
MB: Doesn't that happen every time you get in the tub?
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou is the official movie of 3leggeddog. The movie has been given this honor due to the fact that the pirates' dog, Cody (real name Leica), is a three-legged dog that looks just like Trey. Leica is missing the front right leg while Trey (and Fancy) are missing the front left leg.
Unfortunately, there is no monetary or statutory award for this honor. It's essentially meaningless unless Wes Anderson or one of his people happen upon my site...which is doubtful.
Anyway, go see the movie and when you see Cody (Leica), be sure to yell "TREY!".
Someone must have dropped a stupid bomb on top of my building this morning. It's unbelievable the amount of help desk calls we're getting.
The worst part is that I must have left my "give-a-shitter" unplugged all weekend. I try and try, but I can't muster the least little bit of "give-a-shit". Not even a tiny bit. What am I gonna do about it? Not jack shit. :-)
From today's New York Times**:
The most infamous unresolved case from America's civil rights struggle four decades ago - the 1964 abduction and killing of three voter-registration volunteers by nightriders on a lonely rural road in Mississippi - was revived last night with the arrest of a longtime leader of the Ku Klux Klan, the authorities announced.
I don't care how old, infirm, sick, or withered you are. If you killed these men, you deserve to go to jail. I just pray that this doesn't somehow blow up in our faces and make Mississippi look even worse than people think it is already.
**May require you to login.
If your three-legged dog has a tickle spot on her back (you know, the kind that makes the leg twitch like crazy), I would recommend not scratching it while she is standing up. Sure, it seems funny the first two or three times she tips over, but afterwards you'll feel a bit guilty about it.
If this happens, sneak her a few Nilla wafers under the table and she'll be your buddy again.
Whew...That was close. I went back to Best Buy today to try and spend my store credit and almost left without buying anything. Notice I said "almost".
Ray - The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Good Charlotte - The Chronicles of Life and Death
Green Day - American Idiot
Eclectic mix, I know, but all good. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go. I've got Georgia On My Mind.
Sugarmama brings up some valid points in this old post of hers. I don’t agree with her about the golf/Polo shirts, mainly because they are the staples of my wardrobe. However, I was really interested in what she thought about guy's clothes. Since I consider myself fashionably-challenged, I'm always interested in the opinions of others
So ladies, I’m curious as to what you like/dislike about guy’s clothes. Do you prefer your man in boxers or briefs? Pleated pants or plain front? And yes, I’m searching for what women like. Changing the ol’ wardrobe is part of the New Year’s resolution I made, or one of them anyway, and I'm really interested in your opinions.
Thought I would share some pictures since I couldn't think of anything else to write.
This one is from my fishing trip in September. I'm on the left. The big fish you see are redfish from Louisiana.
This is a picture of the cutest niece ever.
This is the best looking niece and nephew ever.
So I'm starting off 2005 with a bang...or maybe I should say a bump. On my face. I have some kind of weird in-grown pimple type of thing next to my nose that started on Friday. And it's pretty sore. And hard. And red. But fortunately, the swelling around it and my eye have gone down, so I guess that's a good thing.
If it's not any better by tomorrow, which it won't be, then I'll head to the doctor.