May 31, 2006

Not quite a Memorial weekend

In case you're wondering, the weekend consisted of lawn mowin', weed whackin', weed killin' (if you can't whack 'em, kill 'em!), and chainsawin'. Wahoo! The chainsaw hasn't been cranked in over 5 years and it started on the 2nd pull.

Other than that, the weekend was kinda dull, which is becoming par for the course. :) Hope y'all had fun.

In other news, the 3-leggers and I will be spending most of June together. The ex has three trips planned, one of which is to meet her boyfriend's parents. And you know what? I think that's really cool for her. I know the people that introduced them so I know he's probably a good guy and if he can make her happy, then the best of luck to them. But there's no way in hell that the dogs are going to call him "Dad". That shit ain't happenin'. :)

May 24, 2006

Changes in attitude

It's one of those days today.

I have the opportunity to play in another golf tournament, but can't find anyone who wants to play.

I honestly don't give a shit if your computer is making a noise. They do that.

Can you please be a bit more specific when you say "Outlook bombs off when trying to open it"? What the f* does "bombs off" mean?

Email to Mom: Did you check on getting another prepaid cell phone?
Email from Mom: no
Um...ok then. Don't put yourself out on my account.

Voicemail from Dad: Hey, it's me. Call me when you have a second, I have a computer question.
Response inside my head: Of course you do, why else would you be calling?

I need a new job. This place sucks.

Today is one of those days that I need to be outside, driving really fast with the windows down and the sunroof open, listening to some loud music and singing my head off. That ain't happening any time soon, though.

Yeah, it's minor stuff, but it's still irritating.

May 22, 2006

A Golfer's attitude

Monday, May 17, 2006: Golf is the greatest game ever! I can't wait to play again! Let's play 18 more NOW!

Wednesday, May 19, 2006: Sunday?!? Hell yeah, I'll play! When, where, and with whom? Oh man, this is going to be awesome! I can't wait.

Sunday, May 21, 2006: Golf is the worst fucking game ever! I'm never playing this shit again! You know anyone who wants to by my clubs?

Monday, May 22, 2006: You know, I hit them pretty well for the most part. My ball position was good, but I kept trying to accelerate through the ball. I don't have quite enough control at the moment to do that. Yeah, I guess I'll play Thursday.

May 12, 2006

Cell Phone Don'ts

I'm sure many of us know that person who lacks cell phone skills and etiquette. I thought this might be a good place to share some don'ts with those around you who are challenged. I'll start:

If you're getting a sandwich for your friend, please don't read them the menu while standing in line...with 8 people behind you who already know what they want.

Your turn.

Open Mouth, Insert Leg

It is a well known fact that I hired the woman that many people do not like in my office. The reason this fact is so well known is because a) everyone reminds me of this at least once a day and 2) I apologize for doing it at least once a day. In my defense...well, shit...I have no defense. I did it...there, are you happy?

Anyway, I was in a friend's office discussing an issue I had with one of our more troublesome VPs. He's one of those, "You know, this isn't working right and it's never worked right" kinda guys. Invariably, he is usually not doing something right, which causes the computer to 'not work right'. That was the case today. He couldn't connect to our internal network via VPN so there must be something wrong with his new laptop. Guess what? He'd used the wrong password 3 times in a row and locked his account. The laptop? Working as designed. Douche bag.

Sorry...drifted there for a minute...So, as I was leaving my buddy's office I said, "Well, at least I didn't hire him." And walked right into the woman I did hire. Yep, almost knocked her over, the laughter echoing from my buddy's office.

Needless to say, I did get a kick out of it...and will be lying low the next few days. If I mysteriously disappear, please share this with the local authorities.

May 11, 2006

One of the Cool Kids

I got to talk to one of the Cool Kids today. It was awesome.

May 10, 2006

Too Cool for School

Dude, look. I know you're desperately trying to appear as one of the "cool" people in the office and I can appreciate that. Many of us want to be thought of as one of the cool kids, but let's face it, some of us (me included) are just not part of that group. Sure, we try hard, but it's one of those things that's just outside of our reach.

I do, however, applaud your continued attempts. If I may make two suggestions? First, the Bluetooth headset. Let it go, son. It does nothing but intensify your inherent dorkiness. Trust me. I have it on good authority that a recruiter from Dorks R Us is begging to talk to you after seeing the picture of you with the Bozo the Clown haircut and the headset. Lose it and lose it now. Second? This is the big one so pay close attention. I implore you to follow my advice. OK. Here goes:

If you insist on wearing the headset, that's cool. But please do not combine that with wearing your iPod headphones. While taking a leak.

It's automatically catapaulted you to the head of the line at Geekworld; do not pass GO, do not collect your 200 Galactic Credits.

May 09, 2006

How about "assho..."?

I was emailing someone the other day and wrote "motherfu..." instead of the entire word. I guess God won't notice if you don't write the whole word. Anyway, I clicked "send", the spell check fired up and displayed the following:

You gotta love a programmer with a sense of humor.

May 03, 2006

Vacation update

In short, the vacation was awesome. The weather was great, the people were great (except for a few tense moments), I got to see two chicks fighting, and my 2 yr old niece started calling me by name. That in itself was a highlight.

The 5 of us stayed in a two bedroom, two bath hotel room, that was incredibly nice. It was basically a mini apartment with an attached hotel room...which was ALL MINE! A little seating area, mini fridge, coffee maker (for making my world famous Coffee Syrup), and king-sized bed. It's been a while since I've been around that many people for so long, but I gotta tell you, Dear Reader, I had a great time. Spending time with all of them was so much fun.

On Thursday, my nephew and I got to spend time together at the pool with just the two of us. At one point he said, "You know, Uncle BG, I like spending time with you. We're going to do..." Wow. Talk about making a grown man get teary eyed. That was the first of two times I got a little, uh, misty. :-)

The second time was at the airport. I met them in Dallas on the way out and we all flew back together too. Since my flight wasn't leaving for a while, I walked with them to the gate and hung around until they boarded. After hugging and kissing everyone, I turned around to leave...and my niece started to cry. I turned around and saw her pointing to me and crying. That was the first time she's ever done that...and it was the sweetest and saddest thing at the same time. Of course, I had to go back and make her laugh since I didn't want her to cry. I tickled her and kissed on her for a bit until she laughed. They had to get on the plane so I said goodbye again and started to walk away...and she started to cry again. I turned around waved and kept walking...and got misty eyed again.

And now, the chick fight. We were driving to the airport to visit my cousin and I noticed two women standing outside of the adult 1:00 in the afternoon. I was thinking, "Hey! Cool! Two chicks hanging out in front of the...HOLY CRAP!" Right about that time, one of the women reared back and knocked the ever-living shiite out of the other. I mean, that woman cocked her arm completely behind her back before she let loose. The recipient's knees buckled and down she went. The winner turns around, throws both arms into the air and starts pumping her fists. She hops into a pickup truck and drives away. It was like the Broadway musical version of COPS. No idea what happened to the punchee and didn't hang around to find out.

Well, Dear Reader, that's about it for the vacation. We're talking about going to Mexico next year...Vaya con dios, amigos!