Something is not right in the Universe. I don't know what it is exactly, but something just ain't right. The World just feels weird today.
Reason Number 1: I have a $50 gift card to Best Buy. I went to the store at lunch and bought...nothing. Not. A. Single. Thing. From. Best Buy. Nada. For me to still have an unused $50 gift card after spending close to an hour in Best Buy is wrong. It's not supposed to happen. It's like Elvis turning down a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. Or Ron Jeremy shaving his body. Or Michael Moore giving GWB a video camera for his birthday. It's just not natural.
Reason Number 2: I think I've been dumped by the Internet Girlfriend (IG). I say "think" because I can't tell if she's kidding or not...although I have a strong suspicion that she isn't. And, strangely enough, if it's true, it actually hurts more than I expected.
So anyway...if you have any ideas as to how I can make the World right again, let me know. Gift suggestions would be appreciated.
I really wish someone would have told me that the Dirty Santa game had nothing to do with items of an adult nature...before I bought the gift.
So, uh, if anyone has a need for a vibrating adult toy of rather large proportions, please let me know. The thing is creeping me out.
I am one of those people who will talk to anyone. Standing in line at Best Buy, getting on a plane, getting off a plane, waiting to get on a plane. You get the idea. I’m not obnoxious about it because I know not everyone is a talker. I don’t badger you to speak to me. Most people, however, will reply, even if it’s to let me know that they do not wish me to speak to them again. If you completely ignore me, however, then that’s something all together different.
After running to get on the plane in Dallas (ice in Dallas delayed my leaving Jackson by two hours) I sat next to a really pretty girl who was busy reading. It took me a few minutes to catch my breath and get my shit together. I said, “I’ll stop fidgeting around in just a minute.” She said nothing. Didn’t even look up. Hmm…
Me: Are you heading home to Denver?
Her: silence
Me: (waits a few more minutes) Boy, I wish we’d take off already.
Her: silence
Me: (Hmm…wonder if she’s deaf?)
Her: silence
Me: Habla español?
Her: silence
Me: Parlez-vous français?
Her: silence
Me: (I don’t see a hearing aid. Must be shy.)
Me: Parlate italiano?
Her: silence
Me: (Wait…she’s reading a book in English. What the hell?)
Her: silence
Me: Sprechen Sie Deutsches?
Her: silence
Me: Você fala o português?
Her: cuts her eyes towards me.
Me: (YES! I’m making progress)
Her: More silence
Me: Hal tatakalam Arabi?
Her: (Slowly turns her head and stares at me)
Me: (Smiles really big)
Her: If you’re going to do this the entire flight, I’m going to change seats.
Me: So you DO speak English. Cool
Her: Stewardess!
Giving someone a gift is fun. Giving someone a gift that is a total surprise is really fun. Giving someone a gift that is a total surprise and then watching their expression change to "What in the hell?" is not fun.
Note to self: Your brother does not play in the dirt, therefore buying him a matching Tonka Toy Backhoe to go with the Tonka Toy Crane you bought your nephew is probably not a good idea. Actually, it's a rather bad idea.
Sorry for disappearing like that...I'm in Colorado visiting the brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. I'll be back in town Monday evening and can fill you in on all the cool stuff I got and the cool things I did.
Funniest thing so far? Having my nephew show me his new wall (his Mom painted it with planets and stars), but stopping me at the threshold to tell me to "please not fart in his room". You gotta love the honesty of a 4 year old.
I sincerely hope that you, Dear Reader, have an exceptional holiday be it visiting with family or just cramming in as many movies as you can over the weekend and falling asleep on the couch. That one would be my favourite. :-)
Well, I'm sad to report that ILLC has been let go. My buddy did it Friday and I found out about it when she IM'd me, asking me to remove Yahoo IM from the computer she used to work on. She never came out and said she got canned, so I guess I was supposed to ask. And I didn't. Cause I already knew.
So, Dear Reader, on the one hand I feel bad that she got canned. I just don't think she was cut out for the fast-paced life of a paralegal. On the other hand, I don't have to deal with her anymore. Hmm...I think I like it better that I don't have to deal with her.
Interesting tidbit, though. When I was working on her computer earlier in the week, I happened to see an email from someone I knew. Turns out we have a mutual acquaintance...who happens to be a swinger. And by swinger, I don't mean a couple who wears Zoot Suits and Flapper dresses. Maybe I should give her another chance? Um. No.
If you happen to be riding in your friend's brand-new Mazda, it is in your best interest to put a lid on any drinks you bring with you. This will avoid the embarassment of having to clean the drink off of your friend's leather seats after he swerves to avoid the 107 year old, half-blind, elderly driver of a 1960's era Cadillac.
So, um, anybody know of a good way to get Coke off my leather seats? :-(
If you haven't seen this already, it's a New York Times Magazine article on blogging and bloggers. As usual, it seems to miss the point entirely. If you have a second, read it and let me know what you think.
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/12/19/magazine/19PHENOM.html?oref=login
If you don't have a userid/password, use 3leggeddog as both.
In case there is any confusion, Dear Reader, about the level of geekness here at 3leggeddog, let me set the record straight. I am an Uber-geek.
In my extended sick time this week, I became bored beyond measure. When I'm sick, I have the attention span of a gnat. TV doesn't interest me...books are stupid...porn is the same old, same old...you get the point. Well, I realized something, Dear Reader. I realized that my remote control is a learning remote. And is programmable. And has macro capability. I experienced a post orgasm-like shudder when I thought about the possibilities. Sure, I'd done little stuff like program the volume control or the numbers, but now I could create MACROS. *shudder*
After a few hours of trial and error, I had completely reprogrammed my remote. It is now more user-friendly than ever, and I'd finally fixed some things that I did wrong the first time. With this single Marvel of Technology, I now have complete and total control over my TV, stereo receiver, DVD player, and satellite receiver with built-in Tivo. Plus, I have macros.
Macros that, with the push of a single button, will turn on the TV, stereo receiver, and satellite receiver. Another fabulous macro will, once the previous items have been turned on, turn on the DVD player, switch the stereo input to DVD, and, yes Dear Reader, it will eject the tray into which I will place the DVD of choice. When the movie is finished, yet another time-saving macro will eject the DVD tray, wait 5 seconds, then turn off the DVD and return the stereo input to TV. And finally, one last energy-conserving macro to turn everything off when it's time to crawl into bed after a hard day's work.
With this technologically-advanced remote and my none-too-shabby, macro-creation skills, I am truly Master of my Domain. And a geek beyond measure.
GO SEE BLADE TRINITY!!! NOW! It was AWESOME! I just got back from the theater with a buddy of mine and we were like two little kids talking about it. It is so much better than the second one. You gotta go see it if you haven't already. Honest, ignore what the critics say about it and go see this movie.
If you like action and comedy, go see Blade Trinity. I'm probably going again this weekend. Yes, I liked it that much. And, uh, Jessica Biel. Raowr.
I feel lige habbered shid. By doze iz raw and red. By Dad sez "Tayg Bitamin C. Id helbs be all da tibe." By resbonz do him wuz, "Danks, Dad. Dat adbice iz buch abbreciated. Dow fix be zum chicken zoop, dabbit!"
Hobefully, I'll be bag at wurk toborrow. Dighty, Dight, Dear Weadah.
So I did some work for my buddy the attorney this past Saturday. He is, as you may remember, the employer of ILLC.
I was working on getting their two calendars to sychronize when I found it quite by accident. I wasn't snooping, I swear. I am very careful when I work in his office because I don't want to find out something I'll regret later. And this was one of those things. It seemed like such a little thing at the time, but the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. Made me really nervous, actually.
It was on her calendar for February, 2005. February 12th, 2005 to be specific. My birthday. It read:
HOWARD'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!
And yes, Dear Reader, the exclamation points were there. All 5 of them. Help. Me.
So is it feed a cold and starve a fever or starve a cold and feed a fever? Geez, I feel like crap. I've either got a cold, a sinus infection, or, um, I'm allergic to the dogs.
I've been dog-sitting since last Monday since the ex-Mother-in-law has been in the hospital. The ex-wife has been spending her days and nights with her Mom, so I've been staying at the house with the hounds.
In the two years I've been away, they've lost all the discipline I instilled in them...or tried to, anyway. I think I know why, though. When I've yelled at discussed with Trey the reason I'm angry he does the following. He will sit up on his hind legs and hold his single front paw towards me as if to say, "Please, kind sir, do not be mad at me. I am but a simple dog. I try to follow the rules, but alas, it is just not in me to do so. Punish me as you see fit". Yeah, like someone is going to discipline him after that show. He's good at looking pitiful, let me tell you. And it works...every freakin' time.
If you're nnot used to dddrinking coffee, and when you ddo it's decafff, then I would suggest yyyou nnot drink ttttwo of those bbig ccoffee-house ccups full of rrregular. Ifff you do, it's llliable to makke you ooooovercaf....overcaffffinnna....ovvercaffinnn...shshit....jittery.
All I wanted was to look nice. That’s it. That’s not a lot to ask of anyone. Hell, anyone. That’s not a lot to ask of me. It was that simple. Look. Nice. But no, I couldn’t even pull that off.
The slacks seem too short. The collar on the shirt doesn’t look right. And the sleeves on the jacket still don’t seem right. Mix in a little low self-esteem and you know what you get? Me. Sitting in front of the computer having a pity party instead of going to the company Christmas party.
Fuck, people. I was really looking forward to it, too. I finally thought I’d look nice. It’s not so much that others would think it, but that I would think it. I wanted to look in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at me. But it didn’t happen. So I did what I do best. I called and said I had “something come up” and I couldn’t make it. Said I couldn’t go into it right now, but we’d talk on Monday.
I didn’t tell them that the something that came up was I couldn’t stand the fat guy looking at me in the mirror. I didn’t tell them that the collar was fucked up or the sleeves were fucked up or the pants were fucked up. We’ve been through this before, Dear Reader, and nothing seems to change. I wish it would change, but wishing isn’t going to make it happen.
It’s not that hard, really. I just need to lose weight, but I can’t get motivated. Everything’s tomorrow. I’ll go to the grocery store and buy decent food. Tomorrow. I’ll hook up the bike to the stationary trainer and ride for a bit. Tomorrow. I’ll go back the gym and start working out. Tomorrow. You know the old saying, right? Tomorrow never comes. I don’t know if it’s depression, or self-pity, or laziness, or what. There’s just no motivation to change.
Well, that’s not true. There is motivation. There is a reason for me to change. But the reason is just a pipe dream. It’s a fantasy, really, but it’s all I seem to have at the moment. Maybe I can use that to get me off my ass and make a change. Once I get started, I'll be ok. It's the starting, though, that's the hardest part.
Sorry for dumping on you, Dear Reader, but nowadays it seems that when things go bad (or good), you’re there for me to share it with. Thanks for listening.
My buddy sent me this...It's an actual email he got late yesterday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Tom
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2004 4:58 PM
To: Dick
Subject: Harry
Dick,
Can Harry access his e-mail from the wireless connection we have set up for training?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dick
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2004 5:05 PM
To: Tom
Subject: RE: Harry
You know, I forgot to call him...its been a LOOONG day. I'm not sure if he
can or not. He should be able to get to web email:
https://webmail.companyname.com/exchange or http://hosowa/exchange
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Tom
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2004 5:04 PM
To: Dick
Subject: RE: Harry
How do I send him this link if he cannot get to his e-mail?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----Original Message-----
From: Dick
Sent: Thursday, December 09, 2004 5:07 PM
To: Tom
Subject: RE: Harry
You can just tell him since he's sitting there with you. :-)
What does it mean when you and another person send over 1,000 emails to each other? In less than two months. Friendship? Fascination? Blog Crush? (Can it be a blog crush if she doesn't blog?) What if she lives far away? What if she's really pretty...and lives far away? Is it possible to have an internet girlfriend? I’ve heard of a few people that have them, but don’t know what it involves. Do you have to ask her to be your internet girlfriend or do 1,000+ emails just imply it? If you don't know what her voice sounds like, is "internet girlfriend" pushing it?
Seriously, over 1,000 emails. We email throughout the day, every day. It all started with my post about being a Starbucks virgin and just kept going. It’ll be two months next week. Did I mention she's pretty? She’s smart, too. She knows about microbiology and stuff…she speaks several languages…she just got a cool promotion at work. Did I mention that she lives far away? Like in another country?
It’s strange how we seem to connect. We’ve talked about a lot of things, but I still don’t know her favorite color. Or her favorite perfume. Or how her hair smells after she’s gotten out of the shower. Or if she drools when she sleeps (I’m betting she does :-P). I know she is the middle of three siblings. I know she’s lived in several different countries. I know she wants to travel. I know how she felt when I had my lunch date. She knows how I felt when she had someone visit over a weekend.
I’ve told no one about her. I’m superstitious about these things. If I talk about people I like, then we never get together. If I dream about them, it’s over. Yeah, it’s weird, but it’s happened too many times so I’m superstitious. Do I think it’ll happen? I don’t know. But I don’t want to jinx it. What can I say? I’m a romantic. I want the ogre and the princess to live happily ever after.
Does anyone know the process to legally change your name? I guess I could google it, but I thought I'd ask. And yes, I'm serious.
You see, my dad and I have the same name (I'm a second (II), not junior). Whereas I am diligent in paying bills, following rules, doing what's expected, my Dad is not. And this causes me lots of grief sometimes.
Most recently, when the Credit Union pulled my credit report, it looked like I had close to $40K in credit card debt. Now I owe my fair share to Citibank, but no where near that amount. Yes, I've disputed it, but this is not the first time it's happened. Note to Equifax: What ignorant SOB in your organization listed me as HBG 2 and not II? How f*ing stupid is that? It's a Roman numeral, II, you ignorant f***, not the Arabic 2. Next to the DMV, you have got to be the dumbest people on Earf."
Anyway, I've seriously considered changing my name to avoid this stuff. My phone number's unlisted to avoid his creditors. I'm not sure the name change will fix anything, but if the old man has no interest in paying his bills in a timely manner, I gotta do something.
There seems to be some confusion about this post. The reason for asking ILLC to fax the documents was because I did not have access to them. They were at my apartment. Sure, I could have driven over and gotten them and come back, but it would have taken me close to two hours. It was simpler (and quicker) to ask her to do it. As it turns out, she faxed me the documents and I then faxed them to the credit union...which approved my loan this morning. Wahoo!
Props to Wicked H for giving me the "Issue-Laden Lunch Chick" moniker, which refers to the woman in this post and this one, and this one, and this one. She shall henceforth be known as either Issue-Laden Lunch Chick, or ILLC.
Now, on to business. I need ILLC's help. I'm refinancing my car and I need to prove that the house payments aren't mine any longer. How can I do that, you ask? Good question. It just so happens that I can do that rather easily. You see, Dear Reader, I can provide the Credit Union with a copy of the signed divorce decree and the page from the settlement that say, "He don't have to pay".
This would be simple...IF THE F*ING ILLC WOULD EVER GET BACK TO THE OFFICE SO SHE CAN FAX THEM THE *OD-DAMN PAPERWORK!! Sheesh. I listen to this woman complain about everything from her ovaries to her underies and I need one teeny, tiny favor and she's no where to be found.
I called the office and Loon 2 said she was out "running errands". This was 2 hours ago. What the hell? I need help.
Well, guess what? ILLC finally showed up. Rant over. Now I must be charming and witty so she'll do my bidding.
Well, Dear Reader, for the first time in three years, my Morning Wood has failed me. Sure, I'm getting older, but I sure as hell didn't think I'd lose my edge this quickly. It's sad, really. I'm always ready to go, especially now. Why, my Wood does some of it's best work late in the season. Not this year though.
My Wood finished a semi-respectable 7-6, but failed to make the playoffs. *Sigh* Last year, my Wood was in the lead for most of the season, limped along the last few games, and finished 10-4-1. I expected more this year, but Coach Levitra just couldn't pull it off.
Oh well, there's always next year. Hey, listen to me. I sound like a Notre Dame fan.
If you could only see me now...blogging with my right hand and setting up a new PC with my left. Who knew my left hand was good for something besides...
catching a baseball.
What the hell did you think I'd say? Pervs.
I just had someone tell me that they've been gone for six months. It occured to me that if you take a 6-month leave of absence and a) no one notices you're gone and 2) we obviously didn't miss your lack of programming skills, then what the hell are we paying you for?
Dear BellSouth,
When I called to check on the status of moving my old email address to my DSL account, your support person said, "No problem. It'll be complete within 24 hours and we'll call you when it's complete." Guess what? I'm still waiting. Your assurance that it'll be done in 24 hours is quickly approaching 48 hours. And no one has called.
I called this morning to see where we were. Imagine my surprise when the support rep said, "Hmm, it looks like the request didn't go through". He was nice enough to contact the billing department. The billing department said, "we're working on it now and we'll call you when it's done". Guess what? I'm still waiting. And no one's called.
When your collections people call me and want to know where their payment is, guess what I'm going to tell them? "I'm working on it right now. You'll have it within 24 hours. I'll call you when it's ready."
UPDATE: Guess BellSouth read the blog entry...my hbg2 account now works. Sweet!
I'm going to be unavailable tonight. I'll be watching this, then this since Best Buy had them for sale as a set. And then on December 10th, I'll be watching this.
The only thing I don't like about the first movie is that Traci Lords gets killed too early. I loves me some Traci Lords. Raowr.
I think these have been around for a few years, but this is the first time I saw them. This is the reason that you don't take a dumbass with you when you go bowhunting.
Having some email issues this morning. If you need me, you can email me at 3leggeddogREMOVETHIS@gmail.com
On the eve of your multi-year, multi-million dollar project going live, it is strongly suggested that you not change the god-level userid and password, reboot all machines, and then go home without first checking to see if everything still works.
If you persist in taking the approach mentioned above, then the next two hours of your miserable life will consist of troubleshooting the problem while simultaneously laughing, crying, updating your resume, cursing, clenching the ol’ sphincter tight enough to make a diamond, wishing you were dead, promising God you'll get rid of all your porn if he just makes this work, and even more cursing before finally figuring out what you missed. One. Single. Unchanged. Userid.
If, however, you sound calm, cool, and collected on the phone while explaining the problem and resulting solution to the Project Director, PC/LAN Supervisor, and Project Technical Supervisor, you will be seen by them as a genius. Your peers, however, will know you almost fucked up big time.