November 30, 2004

Hmmm...Part IV

So....uh....we went to lunch once, right? And, um, I gave her my Yahoo ID so she could contact me if she's got computer problems. Well...I don't remember telling her that she should contact me if she's got personal issues. *sigh*

Now I get IM's like this "My mother had surgery on her shoulder last night so I have to take care of her& the house tonight and this "I still have the headache that I went to UMC's ER Wednesday and to CMMC's ER on Friday night." She's also called me once or twice to complain/share about her job and to tell me that her 2nd ex-husband wouldn't take her phone calls. Gee?!? I wonder why...loon.

I like my life to remain drama free for the most part, and this is infringing on my non-dramaness. So, uh, Dear Reader, how does one extricate oneself from this situation without hurting someone's feelings?

Posted at 02:01 PM | Comments (10)

November 29, 2004

Turkey-Day Festivities Redux

So there I am, Dear Reader, surrounded by a cheering, screaming, whistling, foot-stomping, hollering horde of Arkansas Razorback fans. I am the lone purple and gold baseball cap wearing Tiger fan amidst a sea of red. For every ear-shattering scream of “WOO! SOOEY! PIG!”, my throat-rattling call of “GEAUX TIGERS!” is like the proverbial fart in a windstorm…no one hears it but me.

That is, until LSU score first. Huzzah! The Tiger fans on the other side of the stadium erupt in cheer, the Golden Band from Tigerland fires up a lusty “Geaux Tigers”, and the crowd around me abruptly falls silent. My ears are ringing as I stand up and shout, “Wow, it sure got quiet in here!”. Heads turn as I cheer my Tigers. My buddy leans over and shares some sage advice; “We’re two LSU fans surrounded by thousands of Razorback fans. Reassess the situation and Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

It was an awesome weekend. I spent Thursday through Saturday with some of the best people around. I watched some great football in the cold (LSU v Arkansas) and saw some not so great football in the cold and rain (Ole Miss v Mississippi State). I watched football from the very top row of seats in the end zone (Arkansas) and from the 50-yard line (Ole Miss). I tailgated for the first time ever (Arkansas) and pretended I was an old pro (Ole Miss). I put close to 800 miles on the Mazda. I met a man who ran his own porn website. I watched a drunk college student wade across a creek in 40 degree weather…twice. I yelled myself hoarse. I made some new friends. I saw more beautiful women per square foot (Ole Miss) than I have ever seen in my life. No shit, people. Ole Miss has got to have more beautiful women per square foot than any college campus in America. And no, I didn’t pick up any…it’s kinda tough when they insist on calling you “Sir”.

All in all friends, this ranks as one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had. Ever.

Posted at 10:53 AM | Comments (5)

Financial Advice

If anyone who reads this is a financial planner or knows of a good financial planner, can you let me know? Need some serious help on retirement planning...and this rate, the first words out of my mouth when I retire will be "Do you want fries with that?"...

Posted at 09:03 AM | Comments (3)

November 24, 2004

Turkey-Day Festivities

Well, folks, this'll be my first Turkey Day as a divorced man and I'm celebrating in typical man fashion. No, it won't be a drunken porn fest or lounging around for 4 days in the same pair of boxers watching football. Although, I will admit, both of those do sound rather attractive. This year it's going to be LIVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL, BABY!!

My buddy and I are heading to Little Rock, Arkansas tomorrow afternoon to enjoy a nice dinner with a co-worker/friend and then Friday we're watching LSU stomp a mudhole into the Arkansas Razorbacks. GEAUX TIGERS!!

After witnessing LSU's humiliation of the Razorchickens, it's back into the Mazda6 for a trip to Oxford, MS. We'll enjoy a nice stay at someone's condo Friday night. Saturday, you'll find us in Vaught-Hemingway Stadium watching the Ole Miss Rebels take on the Mississippi State Bulldogs in the annual Egg Bowl. I don't really care who wins, although it would be nice to see State get the victory. I've got a lot of respect for their coach, Sylvester Croom, and little respect for the Ole Miss coach. Just don't like the guy.

After that, we'll head back to Jackson Saturday evening. Since these are the only games I'll attend this year, I'm looking forward to it. I hope you, Dear Reader, have an excellent holiday and I will chat with you again on Monday. For those of you that don't celebrate Thanksgiving, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, "HAVE FUN AT WORK, SUCKERS!". Adios.

Posted at 09:59 AM | Comments (4)

November 23, 2004

Hmm...Part III

UPDATE: Well, it was nice. And that's about all I can think to say. Didn't really feel a spark, but that's ok. That's not going to happen every time.

So....uh....If you call to confirm your get to know one another lunch and then spend the next 5 minutes listening about her ADD, restless leg syndrome, neurologists, headaches, sleeplessness, cramps, bloating, and weight gain, should you 1) scratch your fingernail over the mouthpiece and say, "can't....hear....break....up...stup...cell...pho" and then hang up, 2) mention you may be late because you have to meet your parole officer, or 3) set your pager to go off 30 minutes into the lunch and then pretend you have a Priority 1 help desk (this has worked once before).

I'm leaning towards 3.

Posted at 09:27 AM | Comments (7)

November 22, 2004

You might be a Redneck...

If you're gored in the hand by a goat, in your front yard, and the local Vet stitches you up, you might be a redneck.

Or, you could be my buddy Marty, who tried to slap his goat in the head for jumping on the fence and ended up with three stitches in his hand.

Posted at 02:15 PM | Comments (1)

November 19, 2004

Hmmm...Part II

The IM started out with "Hey, guess what?" and ended with "I'll pick you up about 12:30 on Tuesday."

I think I have a date.

I know your first question is going to be, "What do you mean you think you have a date?". And my response would be, "Just what I said. I think I have a date."

OK...Here's how it went down. I IM'd her and said, "Hey, guess what? I bought a new car." She responded with "What kind?". We chatted for a bit, then she said, "When are you going to let me drive it?" I said, "Hahahaha. Never." Then she said, "Well, when am I going to get to ride in it?" I said, "When do you want to ride in it?" (smooth, huh?) She said, "You tell me." After some schedule checking, we agreed on lunch Tuesday. Actually, it was her idea to meet for lunch.

So, Dear Reader, now do you understand why I say "I think I have a date".

Posted at 01:28 PM | Comments (7)

November 18, 2004


I was told yesterday that I looked like this guy...

When I asked her if that was a good thing, she said yes. Hmm...

Posted at 09:17 AM | Comments (4)

November 17, 2004

That Mazda6 new car smell

MINE! MINE! ALL MINE!! Well...mine and the bank's, anyway.

Yes, mine looks just like this. It rocks. Also thought I'd share that I bought this car from Will Smith. I bought my truck from Michael Jordan. Wonder who's next? Kinda hoping it's Hale Berry. You know I just loves the mochachino.

Posted at 11:27 AM | Comments (5)

November 16, 2004

Assignment Time

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to use the phrase "upon further review" in a work-related conversation or email.

If you're able to do so, let me know. Yes, this is an easy one. I plan to make them harder...if anyone participates this time.

I used mine in a help desk progress entry.

Posted at 11:19 AM | Comments (4)

November 15, 2004

Residual feelings

I sit here, my stomach churning, because my ex-wife is having some bad days. She helped a friend with a Habitat house on Saturday and couldn't walk Sunday. I went over and cut the grass for her.

Tonight, she called and asked me to take her to the emergency room. She was pouring boiling water into a measuring cup and poured some of it on her thumb. I stopped by the house and although her thumb was red, it wasn't all that bad. I told her to ice it and take some Tylenol.

She calls about 30 minutes ago from Wal-Mart. She went to grab a 24-pack of Coke, it slipped out of her hand and fell on the floor. Several cans burst and emptied out on the floor.

She says she's going to just get in her car and drive and not stop. I know this is not true, but it bothers me nonetheless. I feel crappy that this stuff is happening to her (a few others work-related things happened that I won't relate), but can do nothing about it. And that bothers me too.

I feel bad that this is happening to her, but I also feel angry. Just a few minutes of preparation could have avoided so much of this crap. If you're going to paint baseboards, sit on the floor, don't squat. If you're going to pour boiling water into a cup, wear an oven mitt. If you burn your thumb, pick up the 24-pack of Coke with both hands. God almighty, J, it's not freakin' rocket science!

This is the one thing that made me the most irritated during our marriage. My Dad pounded commen sense into me. And yes, I do mean pounded. If I fucked up because of not using commen sense, I got hit. If I wanted to avoid getting hit, I developed my commen-sense skills. The one thing my ex lacked was this ability, skill, trait, whatever you want to call it. I can't count the number of times we got into an argument because of it. She is not dumb at all, she just doesn't think things through then she ends up paying for it in the end.

The hard part, folks, is realizing that this is no longer something I can control. I can't be there like I was in the past to prevent this stuff from happening and I feel some guilt about it. I guess it's the way I'm wired. Things like this have always bothered me and I don't really know how to change. I guess I have to learn to feel sorry for people without taking on their burden and trying to solve it.

I guess it all boils down to this...I feel bad because the ex is going through a rough time, yet I'm angry because I know these situations can be avoided. I just don't know how to deal with both emotions at the same time.

Posted at 08:49 PM | Comments (6)

November 12, 2004

My brother

I admire my little brother very much. He set goals for himself when he was younger and he has met or exceeded most of them. Sure, there've been a few setbacks along the way, but for the most part, he's done exactly what he's set out to do.

We weren't really close growing up, although I have always considered myself his protector, even when he grew taller than me. It's ingrained in me, somehow. Fortunately, all the bullshit we went through when we were younger has not affected our relationship now that we're older and, er, wiser. :)

I'm going to visit them for Christmas again this year like I did last year. I'll be honest with you, Dear Reader, it was the most fun on Christmas Day that I can remember. Ever. The holidays have never been my favorite time of year for many reasons, but I can say with all honesty that last Christmas was great.

We've never been a mushy kind of family. Not many "I love you's" floated around, although it was certainly understood. When IM'ing today, my brother said the closest thing to it, though. I'm really happy you are coming out. That, my friends, will make even the shittiest day seem perfect.

Posted at 03:18 PM | Comments (2)

November 11, 2004


I'm still sick. I hate being sick. The only cool thing about being sick was I developed an awesome Barry White/Isaac Hayes-like voice. It's the kind of voice that's so deep that listening to it makes your skull vibrate.

Unfortunately, the voice has morphed from mellow coolness into a cigarette-smoking drag queen kinda thing. Since my "friends" are busting my balls about it, I've given up talking and have decided to answer every question with hand gestures. Actually, I'm just going to use one gesture.

Posted at 01:02 PM | Comments (5)

November 09, 2004

Signs that the Apocalypse is Coming #176

My Dad is using Netflix. Correctly. And likes it.

Posted at 02:22 PM | Comments (1)

November 08, 2004

Name Change

Moving out didn't make it real.

Signing the papers didn't make it real.

Having your attorney call and say "it's a done deal" didn't make it real.

Getting an email from your ex-wife and seeing her maiden name. That makes it real.

Posted at 03:49 PM | Comments (0)


Dear City of Chicago and Delta Airlines,

One of you bastards gave me a sinus infection. I just wanted to take a minute and say "Thanks". And to think, I didn't get you anything.


Posted at 01:59 PM | Comments (1)

November 06, 2004

Dating Advice™

Dating Advice™ is where I ask you, Dear Reader, for help as I reintroduce myself into the dating world. If this works as I hope it will, I'll ask a question every so often and, hopefully, you'll give me feedback that'll help me get my dating shit together if you will.

And no, I have no plans to turn this into anything commercial. The simple fact is that I'm scared shitless about dating and am asking for your help.

For the record, the last time I went on a first date was October 1991. That's 13 years ago, people. Thirteen years. In case you're wondering what was going on back then, check this out.

First question: How can you tell if someone is flirting with you as opposed to just being friendly?

Posted at 10:00 AM | Comments (8)

November 05, 2004

It's Officially Official

As of 2:11 p.m. Central Time, I am officially divorced. My attorney called and said he watched the Judge sign the papers.

Yeah, I'll admit to being somewhat sad, but I know in the long run, it's for the best.

Posted at 02:15 PM | Comments (2)

I'm back

I've discovered there are two things I don't like about traveling while being single.

1. You don't have anyone to call and say "I made it safe and sound".
2. You don't have anyone to call and say "I'm home".

Posted at 10:58 AM | Comments (5)

November 03, 2004

Not too bad

OK, I'll admit, it's not been as bad as I thought. The Coconut and I are bothing acting like professionals so it seems a temporary truce has been agreed upon. I still see her cutting her eyes at our boss every once in a while, which I can handle, but for the most part, it's been fine.

I still don't trust her, but at least I'm not hating this as much as I thought I would.

Posted at 05:19 PM | Comments (1)

November 02, 2004

Trip List

List of things to do before leaving on The Trip from Hell:

  • Pick up new blazer: CHECK
  • Stop by cleaners
  • Stick pins in Coconut Voodoo doll: CHECK
  • Iron slacks
  • Print Itinerary
  • Stick more pins in Coconut Voodoo doll: CHECK
  • Pack
  • Set alarm one hour earlier
  • Stick bigger pins in Coconut Voodoo doll: CHECK
  • Wake up and realize this was all a bad dream a la Dallas
Posted at 02:41 PM | Comments (1)

24 hours and counting

Twenty-four hours from now, I will be on the plane with The Coconut. I am dreading this people, D R E A D I N G this. If you gave me a choice between going on this trip or having my scrotum waxed, I'm not sure which one I would choose. Why? Well as a very famous man once said, "there really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it".

Posted at 08:23 AM | Comments (5)

November 01, 2004

Work Tip #112

If, during a staff meeting, your Manager makes a snide comment about the fact that he must attend a class on “Negotiating Skills for Managers”, it is best not to chime in with “No, boss, this is a good thing. Just think, next time you’ll know how to negotiate your way out of another lame class”.

Work Tip Corollary - If your boss keeps track of wise-ass comments, it is bad form to jump out to a 3-0 lead over the other members of your group within the first 2 minutes of a meeting.

Posted at 10:41 AM | Comments (0)